....And then all of a sudden I stopped the priest and shouted out, "He slept with your mother!"

I have very vivid dreams. Anyone who knows me has been regaled with an interesting re-telling of my unconscious thoughts on more than one occasion. I dream about people I know, people on TV, dead relatives, people I haven't seen in years. I dream about school, work, upcoming events, places I've visited, and places I've never been to. If I had a dream journal, it would be Hollywood's guide for ridiculous and far-out plot lines. For instance:

Last night I had a dream about the characters from "The Office." I dreamed that Michael was out of the office, and Jim and Pam were dressed like 1970's disco queens and babysitting the Indian kids from Slumdog Millionaire. The end of the dream featured a gay man trying to be assertive and dominant (a-la Cesar Millan) over his hairless dog in the bathroom of an L.A. condo. Tracy Jordan from "30 Rock" made an appearance at some point, and I think someone made cupcakes.

Picture having dreams like this one 4 times a night, every night of your life. Welcome to my subconscious.

You're losing me, LOST

Oh hi

I suppose that last night's episode of LOST was good in the sense that it answered some questions and connected some dots for us. But again, I found myself looking at the TV and going, "Come on already." And once again, I almost threw up when I saw Locke's shin bone sticking out of his leg. Yuck! I did feel sorry for Locke all over again, though. It seems like no matter what he does, he's destined to get screwed in real life. On the island, however, he's some sort of god. All in all, not a bad episode, but not fantastic, either.

Favorite parts: when Sayid speaks Spanish and we see him flexing his big guns while working on a house in the Dominican Republic, obviously; the look on Locke's face when he sees the wheelchair; when Locke shows up at the Santa Rosa nuthouse to visit Hurley and H-dude doesn't believe Locke is real so he asks the nurse if he's really talking to a guy in a wheelchair. Also that whole scene with Ben trying to convince Locke not to kill himself....and then kills Locke. I didn't believe for a second that Ben's intentions were anything but evil.

Questions answered: why Charles Widmore was on the island (I don't remember why, but I know that we got a half-explanation regarding some "war"); how Locke "dies"; who the little Latin man on the plane was (his name is Cesar, and since I missed the first 60 seconds of the show, I'm assuming he's some sort of new leader with bad intentions); how everyone gets back to the island (the bright white light flashes and the plane crashes); who the creepy dude is who, to date, convinced Locke to go on the walkabout in Australia, set up the expedition to the island for Naiomi, Faraday, Charlotte, etc., and visited Hurley at the institution claiming to be an attorney for Oceanic Airlines (he works for Charles Widmore).

New questions: where did Lapedis go? Widmore mentions a war between groups on the island, what is he talking about? Why is Walt dreaming about Locke? Who killed Abaddon and why? Was it Ben?

Questions I still want answered: why does the island "need" Locke to badly? There is some weird triad of power between Ben, Widmore and Locke. Ben is obviously evil and has bad intentions, but I'm not sure how Locke coming back to the island benefits him. Will the island not let Ben have power and he knows this, so he needs Locke as his puppet? Why are Widmore and Ben arch enemies? What happened on the island between them many years ago, what is this war all about? What is Cesar's deal? Where did Ben go before the flight and who kicked his ass? WHERE THE HELL IS CLAIRE?!

Assumptions: Helen Norwood isn't really dead. (Is anyone ever really on this show?) There will be a power struggle between Jack and Cesar. Jack will see his father (and Claire, I hope). We haven't seen the last of Walt.

Side notes: did you guys see the commercial for that new cop show on ABC, The Unusuals, starring none other than our very own Micheal? Also, did anyone happen to catch the numbers on the license plate of the truck that rescues Locke in Tunisia? Were they THE numbers? How about the numbers on the house in Santo Domingo that Sayid was working on? Or the dates on Helen Norwood's grave, do they mean anything? (6/30/57-4/8/2006). I tried to look them all up on Lostpedia, but no one seems to have written a recap of last night's show yet. And I just have to mention, every time someone crosses a street on that show, I tense up just a little.

I'd serve sushi and start the evening off with some Saki bombs

I don't watch the news enough. I know this because as I was trying to think of 10 people I'd like to invite to dinner, I couldn't come up with any important female figures. Seriously. I had Ellen Degeneres and Madeline Albright. That's pretty pathetic. I know very little about world news and politics to begin with; I just wasn't born with that "need to know what's going on everywhere, all the time" gene. And ever since my iGoogle homepage started asking me to enter a password every time I clicked on it, I've started going directly to Gmail and skipping the BBC and CNN headlines. Add that to the fact that I don't really watch TV on an actual TV anymore, and you have someone who gets most of her news from her mom (her very smart mom, but albeit her mom) and can't think of any women to put on her dinner guest list aside from Oprah. I should be ashamed of myself.

But hey, I make up for it other ways. Like speaking three languages and knowing the capital of Dijbouti. (It's Dijbouti.) Also, I make a mean cheesecake and can decorate the shit out of your living room. How many news junkies can say that?! And despite not knowing anything about the World Bank of China, I think I can still put together a decent dinner guest list:


Ellen Degeneres. I know, I know. Ellen probably won't have time to attend my dinner party because she'll be busy attending everyone else's. But I can't help it if I (and the rest of the world) think she's awesome. She's smart, funny, humble, and she dances!

Craig Furgeson. I have had a crush on this man for far longer than is appropriate for a Scottish late night talk show host. His accent, his humor, his height.... I'm certain he'd make for a very entertaining evening.

Joss Whedon. This man is truly brilliant. He's the perfect cross between high school Magic Card geek, and million-dollar idea man. I'd love to pick his brain about how he comes up with such interesting, creative story lines. I can't stand sci-fi anything, yet he had me watching old episodes of Buffy on VHS like it was my job in college. AND he has me watching Dollhouse. That is talent, my friend.

Bill Maher. Every time I make one of these lists, I put Bill Maher on it because we share a lot of the same political views and both think Anne Coulter is the Queen of all Cunts. But then I realize he'd get really annoying after about 30 minutes of discrediting everyone's views. So I've come up with a compromise, a condition of sorts: Bill can't come to dinner unless he's really, really high. He has to be lucid enough to have a meaningful discussion about gay rights, but mellow enough to not accuse Ellen of trying to have a threesome with Oprah and Gayle.

Clive Owen. I like his accent. And he's really fun to look at. Plus I'd like to ask him how it feels being sex personified.

Mike Rowe. Mr. Dirty Jobs is the perfect mix of self-deprecating humor, humbleness, and pure man. He's the only person I know who can shave a pig while eloquently describing the texture of the swine's skin and the aroma eminating from the barn. My only request is that he shower before sitting down to eat.

Kate Winslet. And not just because she won an Oscar the other night. I've always admired her and think she's an incredibly real woman. She's classically beautiful and doesn't seem to let the media define her as a person. And, like everyone else on this list, she's funny.

Joe Buck. I know even less about sports than I do about world news. But I saw Joe Buck on an episode of Conan one time and absolutely fell in love. He exudes just the right amount of arrogance and self-importance to add a touch of class to the party. Plus, no one else I've invited really seems that interested in sports, so he wouldn't hijack the conversation.

Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow. They come as a pair, and I don't think I have to explain their presence at this dinner. I would seat then directly across from Bill Maher and gladly excuse them to take as many trips out onto the deck as they like. I may even join them if this guest list totally backfires and everyone starts hitting on Kate Winslet.

The coughing still lingers

Dear Flu,

While I am honored that you have chosen my body to ravage with your disgusting illness, I am so over you. The fever was fun, what with the full body aches and night sweats and sleeping for 18 hours a day. The headaches were super, and the stomach ailments were most entertaining. But that's all gone now. You realized that you have no hold over my mighty body and have moved onto another victim. I kicked your ass like Chris Brown beat Rihanna. And I won. (Too soon?)

Sincerely,
Should've Gotten that Flu Shot

Mildly exasperated

If I could describe my reaction to last night's LOST in one word, it wold be "annoyed." From beginning to end, it was just irritating. Does no one on that show ask, "who are you?" or "how do you know that?" or "why is my friend's dead body in your meat locker?" The coincidences and acts of fate in last night's episode were just too far-fetched for my analytical brain. I found myself rolling my eyes on more than one occasion and going, "Well I suppose I have to believe this in order to believe the next part of the story." I realize that this entire show is one big eye-roll, but I haven't felt this strongly about it up until now. It's a good thing more questions are being answered as time goes by, or I might've given up on the show by now. (Who am I kidding, I still would've watched it til the end.)

Favorite part: When Jack asks Ben on the plane, "How can you read?" and Ben answers, "My mother taught me."

Biggest eye-roll moment: when we find out Frank Lapedis is the pilot of flight 316 and he nonchalantly declares, "I guess we're not going to Guam."

Questions answered: if they get back to the island (unless Jin was cloned or has been island-hopping, they do); how they get back to the island, sort of (by plane...sort of); how Locke dies (he hanged himself, or so we're led to believe);

Questions I still want answered: how do they really get back to the island? Who is Jill the butcher? Will Locke come back to life once he gets back to the island?

New questions: Where did Kate leave Aaron? Who is the little dude in the leather jacket that gave his condolences to Jack in the airport? Who beat the piss out of Ben? Was Jack's grandfather really introduced as a character just for a pair of shoes? And.....drum roll please..... if they really are back on the island, then HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET OFF THIS TIME?

And so it continues. This sick circle we call LOST. Where everybody is connected to somebody and no one asks any relevant questions.

The economy sucks, but it's FRIDAY!

Feliz viernes! I hope y'all had a Chico's kind of week.... the kind where you sat at your eco-friendly desks with your feet up, sipping coffee from your homemade mugs and watching the birds from your garden-level office window, all while Enya played in the background. Namaste.

For all of y'all that had a shitty week, I am sincerely sorry. Tell me what I can do to make it better, and I will try. Seriously. Email me, we'll meet up for drinks.

Here are some awesome things I've stumbled up this week the end of your week go by just a little faster.

First off, we have something to warm your cold hearts. You may have seen this adorable picture already, but I felt that I to comemorate it in some way.

This is Sam. She's a koala bear that was found roaming the burnt forests 90 miles outside of Melbourne, Australia. Firefighters rescued her and brought her to the Mountain Ash Wildlife Shelter, where she is being treated for burns on her paws. Can we all please shed a collective aaaww?


Next up we have... NAZIS!! That's right folks, Quentin Tarantino has directed a new gun-shooting, blood-flowing, crazy-ass movie, and this time it's all about scalping Nazis. I'm not kidding. It's called Inglorious Basterds (that's right, with an "e") and Brad Pitt stars. I'll say no more and let you judge for yourselves.




In other movie news, I went to an advanced screening of a little something called I Love You, Man last night, and it was the funniest thing I've seen since Superbad. Paul Rudd plays a man without friends who is about to get married. When he realizes he doesn't have a BM (that's best man, not bowel movement) he sets out to find one. And what ensues is pure hilarity. Check out the trailer here. (And note the use of Vampire Weekend on the soundtrack!)


So has anyone seen Robert Downey Jr. lately? WOWZA is he looking good!

And lastly, this is why you're fat.

WARNING: Eating more than three bites of anything shown on that website will likely induce a heart attack and/or weight gain of 10lbs or more.

Enjoy your THREE-day weekend, everybody!

Eloise Hawking, you are one creepy bitch

I was fully impressed by last night's episode of LOST. I thought it was well done and very entertaining, without being too "WTF just happened?" I did NOT, however, need to see Locke's broken tibia protruding through his skin. That gave me a severe case of the "ewies," so much so that I couldn't enjoy the last few minutes of Locke being on screen. Other than that, I thought it was an excellent episode.

Favorite parts: (1) When Jin and Sawyer reunite. It warmed my cold, cold heart for just a moment. (2) When Locke asks Christian Shepard to help him up off the floor because, oh I don't know, HIS BONE IS STICKING OUT OF HIS LEG, and Christian is all, "Nope, sorry." (3) The horrified look on the French people's faces when Montand's arm rips off in their hands. (4) Anytime Sayid is on screen.

Questions answered: What Charlotte's connection is to the island (she grew up there and left as a young child); what happened to Christian Shepard (he's chillin undergrownd, gardin are holez); who that creepy church basement-dwelling lady was (Eloise Hawking, Daniel Faraday's mother); how Locke gets off the island, sort of. We can't be too presumptuous and assume that just because Locke turned the donkey wheel (hehe) that he'll leave the same way Ben did. But I'm still sticking to my prediction that that's how it happens.

Questions I still want answered: WHERE IS CLAIRE?! What happens to Locke once he leaves the island? Where (and when) in Los Angeles does he "land"? (Maybe this is explained in a previous flash-forward and I'm not remembering it.) Ben mentions that he went to see Locke before he died, so how does Locke die? The newspaper article Jack read says he fell (or threw himself) off of a building. Is that true? Do his injuries from the fall into the well carry over into "real life" and he dies from the fall?

New questions: WTF is up with the smoke monster? What is it and what is its purpose? Why did Robert seem to brush it off as nothing more than a security device that protects the temple after he went down into its hole? What sort of creepy things did it do to him while he was down there? Why/how does it "change" people who encounter it? Did it change Locke after he messed with it in the beginning of the series? Why did Christian make such a big deal out of Ben being the one to move the island and not Locke? Why was it so important that Locke did so? And why then did Christian brush it off all, "Meh, it's just good you're here now"? Jack's dad, you make no sense.

Assumptions: Miles is going to step up his game and show us his real purpose for being on the island, and what his connection to it is. (I still think he's Pierre Chang's son.) Charlotte really is dead (for now), and it's her death that prompts Faraday to start messing with all this time travel nonsense. Jin and Sun will reunite, if only for a short time. I'm still not sure which side Juliet is playing for, but I want to say she's inherently good. Part of me thinks she wants Ben to believe that she's still on his side so she can destroy him.

That was exhausting. Time for some more coffee.

I like talking about myself, who knew?

So Facebook has this thing going around. (No, it's not mono, but it's just as popular among high school kids.) It's a post in which you're supposed to write 25 random facts/goals/habits about yourself and then tag people in it so they in turn write 25 facts about themselves. A handsome Silver Fox from law school tagged me in his post, so I took the bait. And as a courtesy to all my fellow readers, I've decided to reprint those 25 things here. After all, it wouldn't be fair for all those almost-strangers on Facebook to know all that stuff about me while keeping it from you guys. AND! (Pretend I'm saying the rest in the voice of Billy Mays.) Just for all you extra-special blog readers, I've added FIVE MORE RANDOM FACTS ABOUT MYSELF! That's right, if you read now, you'll find out FIVE MORE THINGS that people on Facebook don't know about me!

Can you imagine if we all talked about ourselves like Billy Mays talks about OxyClean? ::Shudder::

(1) Law school was the biggest mistake of my life.

(2) I don't think I want children, even though everyone says I'd be a great mother.

(3) I have a very passionate, very expensive obsession with traveling. And I refuse to settle down with anyone who doesn't share the same passion.

(4) I talk to myself ALL THE TIME.

(5) If I could have any career in the world, it would be flipping houses.

(6) An ex boyfriend committed 5 intentional torts against me the day I broke up with him.

(7) I started collecting turtles from places I visited after I randomly got a tattoo of a turtle.

(8) A lot of my interesting life experiences come from summers in The Motherland. It's where I learned how to drive stick, what to do with a deer if you hit one with your car, how to bribe a local official, the difference between good pizza and FANTASTIC pizza, how to drive a boat, how to drink a Tequila Boom, and how to root for your country at an international soccer championship.

(9) I have never done karaoke, and there isn't a bribe on this Earth that would get me to do it.

(10) A month in Germany turned me into a beer snob.

(11) I dance to Spanish music in my kitchen when I bake.

(12) Conservative republicans make me see red faster than any other group of people.

(13) My dad lived in Saudi Arabia for 12 years and I regret never going to visit him, even if it was dangerous.

(14) I have no problem with public nudity, when appropriate.

(15) Until Barack Obama won the presidency, I felt more pride for being Motherlandian than I did for being American.

(16) I will one day live in California, but will most definitely miss the change of seasons.

(17) If I have kids, I will send them to Catholic school.

(18) I hate modern art and can't stand musicals.

(19) I almost joined the NYPD after college.

(20) Visiting a concentration camp changed me in ways I can't describe. I don't think anyone can experience their full range of human emotions until they've visited one.

(21) I can't STAND not having my eyebrows done, so much so that I have anxiety over it when I travel.

(22) The women in my family have this weird semi-psychic ability to predict things, and I totally believe in it.

(23) I regret transferring from Boston University.

(24) I don't wear my contacts that often because I think my glasses make me look more interesting.

(25) I've had the same best friends since I was 10 years old and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

*(26) We didn't get cable in my house until I was a teenager, so I grew up watching a lot of nature shows on PBS. As a result, I can identify an inordinate amount of birds and animals.

*(27) The first guy I ever kissed turned out to be gay.

*(28) I once drunkenly danced on a table to Weezer's Sweater Song while actually taking off my sweater.

*(29) One of the most priceless moments of my life was listening to someone call the U.N. a "useless organization" while sitting as a guest in a U.N. ambassador's home.

*(30) I have a fun knack for losing/destroying cell phones. Two of my Verizon flip phones met their demise in the state of California, one fell into a pedicure tub, one literally broke in half, and I almost lost my iPhone 5 days after I got it. And you people want to trust me with a baby? Are you out of your minds?!

So what 25 random facts about yourself do you want to immortalize on the Interwebs? Do share.

Forever Jammin' in my iPod

It's not often I get to write a legitimate post about weed; most of my comments on the subject are off-handed and slightly ambiguous, and for good reason.

But today is a special day. It's not 420, and it's certainly not the day we can celebrate pot being legalized. But it is Bob Marley's birthday. He would have been 64 years old today, and I'm sad he's not with us.

Happy Birthday, Rasta mon.

Conversations with my Italian dentist

My dentist of 20 years: You should go to business school. You'd be a CPA with a law degree, like my brother. He does my taxes and keeps me out of jail at the same time.
Me: Really? What have you been claiming that you shouldn't be, Doctor?
Dentist: No, that's just it--he tells me what NOT to claim! Every year he looks at my receipts and records and is like, "You can't claim this, you can't claim this, you DEFINITELY can't claim that...."
Me: And this is why I have Jewish people do my taxes.

Return of the Big D!

So Danielle Rousseau returned to LOST last night. That was pretty cool, I guess. So was watching EXACTLY what I predicted: that Ben sent Angela Chase's dad to scare Kate into thinking someone was after her [not so much] kid, thereby getting her to agree to go back to the island. Oh Ben, you are a sneaky one.

Favorite parts: (1) When Sawyer thanked God, then took it back. (2) When Sayid took down the man-nurse who was trying to kill him in the hospital. Don't these people know that you can't mess with a trained Iraqi assassin who tortures people for a living? I think he's my favorite out of all of them. (Although Hurley is a close second.)

Questions answered: Whether Rousseau really did land on the island 20 years ago (she did, and was pregnant), whether Jin is dead (he's not! I knew it!), whether Miles' connection to the island is deeper than we thought (also as I predicted, it is.)

Questions I still want answered: Why the hell do they all have to come back to the island?! What magical, mystical phenomenon will occur once they're all reunited? And will it feel so good?

New questions: What is Charlotte's connection to the island? What happened to that polar bear and the smoke monster? Didn't Sun have a baby? Or did that happen in the future? (I have an assumption about this, but will keep it to myself for the time being.) AND WHERE THE HELL IS CLAIRE?! Is she still living it up with Jacob in his mysterious cabin?

Assumptions: Locke will get off the island the same way Ben did, but he may or may not already be dead when it happens. Sayid will continue to fuck shit up and be my hero.

Things I learned by stalking Lostpedia: A member of Danielle Rousseau's team fiddles briefly with a radio and an automated voice can be heard reciting The Numbers.

"Is this real life?"

This is most definitely NOT the more serious, current post that I promised I would write today. This is, however, a video of a kid high on some good (legal) shit. Also, it's probably what I would've looked like had I started smoking pot at age 8.

Another thing I'd do if I had a million dollars: buy Louis Vutton luggage

I promise to write a real post about something current and important later on today or tomorrow. (I swear, I already started writing it!) But for now, there are some more pressing issues I'd like to discuss. Like Jessica Simpson's outfit.

Seriously, what was she thinking here? I know there's been some controversy about her weight lately (which I think is utter bullshit) but dude... is it necessary to wear your boyfriend's shirt? And the rest of her outfit looks like she stumbled out of a Sundance free gift room with one of everything. Especially those boots--they look like something fleecy my grandmother had on her feet the other day.

Doesn't this picture make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? All that's missing is Andrea in the backseat, pointing out historical landmarks. I picture their conversation going something like this:

Donna: I'm so glad we never fought over a guy.
Kelly: I know. It helped that David was my brother and all.
Donna: Are you saying that you would've slept with him if his dad didn't marry your mom?
Kelly: Well I did sleep with Steve. And Dylan. And Brandon. David would've completed the circle, ya know?
Donna: You have a point, Kel. Hey, isn't that mall where they filmed Back to the Future?
Andrea: No, that mall is actually in Pasadena. The producers wanted--
Kelly: Shut up, Andrea.

I have the hugest girl crush on Megan Fox. I don't feel bad about it, either. Because Megan Fox is the kind of girl who would make a republican senator's wife a fail a lie detector test when asked if she ever had homosexual feelings. (Donna is gonna be SO pissed off when she finds out about Megan and David Silver!)

And finally, I'd like to introduce you to Spaghetti Cat's cousin. I don't have a name for him yet, so I thought I'd let you guys name him after watching this clip. Watch the whole thing, there's a surprise ending!

Have I misjudged an entire class of potential suitors based solely on their affiliation with the armed forces?

I think I may have! GO ARMY!