Friday, November 21, 2008

I know people think NYC is the best city in the world, but c'mon

So Ashlee Simpson and her eyeliner-wearing husband Pete Wentz had a baby yesterday. It's a boy, 7 lbs. 11oz. and 2o 1/2 inches long. And they named him Bronx Mowgli Wentz.

OK, first of all, his middle name is that of a character in The Jungle Book. The only thing I have to say on that is, why? Secondly, his initials are B.M.W. Which is fine if you're Carmine Gotti or one of Pamela Anderson's kids. But an emo baby? Is that even legal? Isn't this some violation of the Emo Code? "Thou shalt neither own, nor name one's child after, a German car or expensive champagne."

So instead of naming their kid Audi or Tears of Heaven or James, they named him Bronx. After a borough in New York City. One they have clearly never been to, or they would have realized that naming their child Bronx is the equivalent of naming him Crack Ho or Glock Rocker. Do Ashlee and Skinny Jeans have any idea what the Bronx is like? Aside from that cool Zoo and the occasional chicken parm hero at an awesome Italian restaurant (and the Yankees, but let's not go there), I'm not seeing the appeal of naming your kid after a place that strips more cars than women. I have lived right across from this borough my entire life (LITERALLY, like right across the water) and I rarely venture into the Bronx. I once went to a Yankee game and parked IN HARLEM. My memories of the Bronx include being stuck in endless hours of traffic on the Whitestone Bridge and kids peeing on the McDonald's. It's pretty much a place I pass through on my way upstate or anywhere not on Long Island. Or when I feel like being stuck in traffic. Have I mentioned the traffic?

So why the Bronx? Really, I'm curious. Why not Manhattan or Queens? At least Victoria Beckham named her son Brooklyn after a cool borough. (And even I won't suggest that they should've named their son Staten Island, that's just cruel.) Did Ashlee and Sideswpet Bangs meet in New York or something? The only explanation I can think of is that Baby Emo was conceived while his parents were stuck in traffic on the Cross Bronx Expressway. ONLY explanation.

Typical night in the South Bronx

1 comment:

Z said...

sounds like you got some beef with pete wentz. don't take it out on ashleeee who is a model citizen and such a positive role model to all teenage girls. its only a matter of time till baby bx is dangled over a balcony or something.