When life hands you lemons, PART 1

Several weeks ago (like back in January) I made reservations at a romantic Italian restaurant for Valentine's Day. I'd heard good things about this place, and one look at the menu told me we wouldn't be disappointed. It looked romantic, it was decently priced, and the Rad Boyfriend and I had been jonesing for some authentic Italian cuisine since before the holidays. In fact, we'd been jonsing for this particular restaurant's Italian food for quite some time; the only thing that had stopped us from trying it earlier was the fact that they don't take reservations. And if I'm gonna get all dressed up to have a nice dinner, you better believe I'm making reservations!

But, ever the optimist, I called them anyway to see if they were making exceptions to their no-res rule for Valentine's Day--and they were! Hooray! Delicious Italian food! Plans made, we began discussing what we'd order, if we should bring our own wine and pay the corking fee, what we would do afterwards, etc. RB must have mentioned how much he was looking forward to finally trying this place at least a dozen times since I made the reservation. We were stoked!

On Sunday morning (as in The Day Before Valentine's Day), as we leisurely sipped our coffee and talked about how much we were looking forward to this week, I received a call from a strange phone number. Never one to answer calls from unfamiliar numbers, I let it go to voicemail. Upon checking it several minutes later, this is what I heard:

"Hi Danielle, this is Jenna calling from --- ------ confirming your reservation for tomorrow night at 7:30. I also wanted to make sure that you knew about our 5-course prix fixe menu that we're serving for Valentine's Day. It's $70 a person and......" 

I stopped listening at that point. She could have told me it came with a basket of kittens to keep us company during dinner and I wouldn't have cared. Why? BECAUSE NO, I WAS NOT AWARE OF THE PRIX FIXE MENU. There was no mention of it on their website, nor did anyone tell me about it when I made the reservation. No way were be about to drop $200 on dinner just because it happened to be February 14th.

I was pissed. Not so much about not having dinner plans, but about someone informing me that I was expected to spend at least $140 the following night whether I liked it or not. There is nothing I hate more than feeling like I'm being taken advantage of. RB and I talked it over, and it was sort of a no-brainer: we canceled the reservation. And in an awesome twist of fate, it turns out it was the best thing that could have happened to us.

[Stay tuned for PART 2 later today]

I'd serve sushi and start the evening off with some Saki bombs

I don't watch the news enough. I know this because as I was trying to think of 10 people I'd like to invite to dinner, I couldn't come up with any important female figures. Seriously. I had Ellen Degeneres and Madeline Albright. That's pretty pathetic. I know very little about world news and politics to begin with; I just wasn't born with that "need to know what's going on everywhere, all the time" gene. And ever since my iGoogle homepage started asking me to enter a password every time I clicked on it, I've started going directly to Gmail and skipping the BBC and CNN headlines. Add that to the fact that I don't really watch TV on an actual TV anymore, and you have someone who gets most of her news from her mom (her very smart mom, but albeit her mom) and can't think of any women to put on her dinner guest list aside from Oprah. I should be ashamed of myself.

But hey, I make up for it other ways. Like speaking three languages and knowing the capital of Dijbouti. (It's Dijbouti.) Also, I make a mean cheesecake and can decorate the shit out of your living room. How many news junkies can say that?! And despite not knowing anything about the World Bank of China, I think I can still put together a decent dinner guest list:


Ellen Degeneres. I know, I know. Ellen probably won't have time to attend my dinner party because she'll be busy attending everyone else's. But I can't help it if I (and the rest of the world) think she's awesome. She's smart, funny, humble, and she dances!

Craig Furgeson. I have had a crush on this man for far longer than is appropriate for a Scottish late night talk show host. His accent, his humor, his height.... I'm certain he'd make for a very entertaining evening.

Joss Whedon. This man is truly brilliant. He's the perfect cross between high school Magic Card geek, and million-dollar idea man. I'd love to pick his brain about how he comes up with such interesting, creative story lines. I can't stand sci-fi anything, yet he had me watching old episodes of Buffy on VHS like it was my job in college. AND he has me watching Dollhouse. That is talent, my friend.

Bill Maher. Every time I make one of these lists, I put Bill Maher on it because we share a lot of the same political views and both think Anne Coulter is the Queen of all Cunts. But then I realize he'd get really annoying after about 30 minutes of discrediting everyone's views. So I've come up with a compromise, a condition of sorts: Bill can't come to dinner unless he's really, really high. He has to be lucid enough to have a meaningful discussion about gay rights, but mellow enough to not accuse Ellen of trying to have a threesome with Oprah and Gayle.

Clive Owen. I like his accent. And he's really fun to look at. Plus I'd like to ask him how it feels being sex personified.

Mike Rowe. Mr. Dirty Jobs is the perfect mix of self-deprecating humor, humbleness, and pure man. He's the only person I know who can shave a pig while eloquently describing the texture of the swine's skin and the aroma eminating from the barn. My only request is that he shower before sitting down to eat.

Kate Winslet. And not just because she won an Oscar the other night. I've always admired her and think she's an incredibly real woman. She's classically beautiful and doesn't seem to let the media define her as a person. And, like everyone else on this list, she's funny.

Joe Buck. I know even less about sports than I do about world news. But I saw Joe Buck on an episode of Conan one time and absolutely fell in love. He exudes just the right amount of arrogance and self-importance to add a touch of class to the party. Plus, no one else I've invited really seems that interested in sports, so he wouldn't hijack the conversation.

Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow. They come as a pair, and I don't think I have to explain their presence at this dinner. I would seat then directly across from Bill Maher and gladly excuse them to take as many trips out onto the deck as they like. I may even join them if this guest list totally backfires and everyone starts hitting on Kate Winslet.