Random things that have nothing to do with each other

Happy Friday everyone! As always, I hope you're avoiding your responsibilities and leaving work early today. And for those of you in the En-why-cee, you may actually have a legit excuse to do so today: it is snowing like whoa out there! We're getting our first real snowstorm and I'm loving it. That is, until I have to step outside in it. My friends and I have plans to go to dinner and a show tonight so I'm hoping this doesn't turn into a blizzard.

As I like to do on every 5th day of the workweek, I've compiled a list of random things for your Friday enjoyment.

Someone needs to feed Kelly Rippa. Contrary to popular belief among 20-year olds and everyone in Hollywood, there is such a thing as being too thin. And Kelly Ripa proves my point. She needs to eat a bacon cheeseburger like, yesterday.

Michelle Duggar popped out her 37th kid. The couple with 17 kids welcomed their 18th yesterday in Arkansas. Her husband Jim Bob was quoted as saying, "We would love to have more." Upon hearing that statement, Michelle's vagina got up and walked out of the room. It was later found smoking a bowl while booking a one way ticket to the Cayman Islands.

Fringe wasn't that great; try Burn "Notice" instead. The other day I talked about how J.J. Abrams' new show "Fringe" looked promising. Well after watching a second episode I decided it wasn't for me. That wacky science stuff is just too unbelievable for me to take seriously. It's why I never watched X-Files. I did, however, start watching another show on Hulu that lives up to the hype. I've watched 4 episodes of "Burn Notice," and so far, it's pretty excellent. It centers around a ex-government spy who has essentially been kicked out of the spy club. His assets are frozen, his contacts have vanished and he's left to fend for himself in Miami. Ie: he's been burned. So he uses his spy skills to solve random cases for cash while he finds out who in the government did him dirty. What I love about the show is that it doesn't try at all to be like 24. It's more like MacGyver, but way funnier.

Jeremy Piven is lie-telling. At least I think so. According to his doctors, Ari Gold has mercury poisoning and will not be able to continue his performance in a Broadway show called "Speed-the-plow." Mercury poisoning, hmm? Methinks the Pivert wanted out of the show and had to find a legit reason. And he came up with, "I ate too much sushi." Yeah, I bet you did.

I fell down the stairs this morning and hurt my assbone. Again. I'm pretty much a legend in my family for being the most clumsy person ever. Not a holiday goes by that I don't spill the wine or drop the eggs or burn the potatoes or, on one awesome occasion, almost set the tree on fire. So really, you shouldn't be surprised by this latest occurrence. I'll probably fall in the snow later today or drop my drink into someone's chicken. But hey, at least the steps were carpeted this time.

What if life COULD be the French Riviera?

Happy Friday, everyone! I hope you're all taking a long lunch today and leaving work early. Or at the very least, throwing back a few on your lunch hour. Because what better way to say "I'm so thrilled to still have this soul-crushing job in such a shitastic economy!" than giving your boss the finger as you walk in from a 2-hour lunch bogged down with Macy's bags and smelling of Jameson? (Disclaimer: I am in no way suggesting you do any of the above. But if you do, and happen to get fired, please let me know how I can forward your boss my resume.)

For those of you who are diligently sitting at your desks pretending to do work, here's a few things to help get you through the day.

Victoria Beckham says she's not a famewhore. And I believe her! She recently told the Daily Mail that doesn't court fame, and that the only grand entrances she makes are through the kitchens of L.A. restaurants. I can see how some people might disagree, considering her huge following. But think about it: when was the last time you saw Victoria Beckham on a red carpet? When was the last time you saw a paparazzi photo of her doing anything other than walking out of a store or doing something with her kids? Yes, she's rail thin and dresses like she's having tea with Elton John every day. But isn't that what fashion icons do?! How else are you going to promote your line if you don't wear your clothes and look fabulous in them? I call that a smart marketing plan, not a ploy to get media attention.

Speaking of whoring yourself out to the media... Mark your calendars. Michelle Duggar is giving birth to her 37th child on TV. Because allowing a film crew into the delivery room when your vagina is on display is perfectly modest, but heaven forbid your daughters wear skirts that show their ankles. I really don't get this family. They belong to a Christian religion (?) called Quiverfull, which encourages having large families. According to Quiverfull.com, followers of this faith "acknowledge His headship in all areas of our lives, including fertility" and "exist to serve those believers who trust the Lord for family size." Interesting concept. Do they also trust the Lord to feed their family of 24? They tell me that "whether your quiver is large or small, you are welcome." So maybe one day when I finally get that cattle farm out west and need some free labor, I'll consider having a "small" quiver of 12. Because I can't think of any other logical reason to have that many children. Can you?

And finally, can we stop with the remakes please? I feel like Hollywood has run out of ideas and is scraping the bottom of the barrel in a desperate attempt to make money. No one wants to see Andrea Whatshername reprise her role as Kimmy Gilber on Full House. Knight Rider 2008 was NOT a good idea, and can we leave the Karate Kid alone? Is nothing sacred anymore?! The only remake I want to see is It's a Living. But instead of waitresses at a swanky hotel in L.A., the show features upscale call girls in Europe. International movie stars fly to Prague and Milan and pay the world's most beautiful women to hang on their arms for a night. THAT, my friend, is how you make a living.

Five people I would not want to be

(1) The Obamas' future dog. I swear there's been more media coverage on what kind of puppy they're getting than of his economic policy. Do you know what kind of pressure that canine will be under? Stand up straight, don't shit in the Lincoln Bedroom, don't bite the reporters.

(2) Michael Phelps's publicist. Did you get a look at the chick he's dating? She's a waitress as the Palms in Vegas. Enough said.

(3) One of the Duggar kids. Aside from the fact that they quote scripture and don't drink alcohol and, here's why:

• Michelle and Jim Bob (that's his real name) Duggar have 17 kids and are pregnant with their 18th.
  
• They invited a family with 16 children to come stay with their flock for 2 weeks. "I'm used to cooking for so many people, what's 18 more?"
• Their kids wear "modesty swimsuits." I'm pretty sure those are actual Duggar children in the ad.
  
• They went to a place called The Creation Museum. Because that's how much they don't believe in evolution.
  
• Their oldest son is engaged to some 18-year old chick who he can't kiss until he's married to her.

(4) Katie Holmes when she finds out about Tommy Girl's sex dungeon and finally wakes up from her Xenu-induced trance. Something tells me that she and Nicole Kidman will the best of friends in about 8 years. (But Tommy Girl still won't believe in depression.)

(5) Joey Lawrence's wife. Again.... he's gay, right?