Sunday, November 30, 2008

Ten and a half things I learned this holiday weekend

(1) There's no such thing as too many carbs at a Thanksgiving dinner.

(2) You can teach anyone the art of "that's what she said." My aunt has both set me up for, and used that line on multiple occasions since learning it on Friday. Now if only I could teach her the art of hitting a bong....

(3) You can buy a cannoli kit at Costco!!!!!!!!! It comes with pre-made shells and two bags of conveniently-packaged filling. I've been a longtime fan of BJ's, that's what she said, and never saw the need to get a Costco membership.... until now.

(4) Newborn babies love boobs. Seriously. I was holding my one-month old cousin, trying to get him to stop crying. No dice. I gave him to my grandma, who still has quite the rack, and after three minutes of being pushed up against those puppies, the kid fell asleep. She handed him back to me so that I could put him in his little vibrating chair and he started wailing. My mammary-gifted cousin took him, and lo and behold, after 5 minutes on her bosom, he was out. Now please, allow me to clarify that I an not challenged in the boob department; I would actually describe them as nothing less than spectacular. But they're apparently not big enough to comfort a screaming baby. I guess all men are the same...

(5) I suck at Dance Dance Revolution. And Wii tennis. Bowling, however....
(5a) Eight kids in one house is OK because it's not in my house.

(6) I love to cook. OK, so this isn't a recent discovery. But making stuffing, cranberry sauce, a raspberry tart and a chocolate cheesecake this weekend has reinforced my culinary passion. I can't wait to use that pastry dough I have in the freezer. That's what she--wait, that doesn't work here.

(7) My 73-year old uncle got a lap dance from a stripper at a bachelor party last week. And it wasn't the first time.

(8) Forgiveness is a powerful thing. (Completely unrelated to the #8, I swear.)

(9) There's something to be said about having a nice big house on Long Island. Four bedrooms, five bathrooms, an office, a den, a playroom, an eat-in kitchen, floor-to-roof windows in the living room, wood-burning stove, big backyard with a trampoline, a soon-to-be-finished attic that will include a fifth bedroom and second office...

(10) Damn I need a job.

"It was THIS big!"
"That's what she said."

2 comments:

K and/or K said...

I am dying laughing here! Love your blog, your humor, all of it!
At our dinner table it was, "Wow, this family sure loves the dark meat." TWSS! We have shortened this for frequent texting purposes.

The One and Only Kristy J said...

i loathe the "that's what she said" i am always getting set up for it...
on a different note..sounds like you had an interesting holiday weekend.
cheers!