A three-hour tour

Guess what I did over the weekend? 

I got on a boat...

And went dolphin/whale watching!!

 Needless to say, it was really really cool. 

 We saw literally HUNDREDS of dolphins out in the open Pacific, just off the coast of San Diego. 

I will not make a joke about whale's vagina....

Oh. My. God.

There are no words. Just watch.

A programming note and an Asian

I grew up mere steps from Flushing, Queens, the mecca of New York Asians. It's fair to say I've come into contact with a good number of them over the years in a multitude of places. (I won't name those places for fear of perpetuating a stereotype, but let's just say that they're food is delicious, their produce is fresh, and my suits always come back spotless.) But for as many Asians whom I've met over the years, not one of them was as funny as this guy. Or cute. Come on, you know he's cute.

So. That takes care of the funny video for the day. Onto more pressing matters. Like the fact that I'm leaving for San Diego this afternoon!! If y'all don't know, I heart San Diego with the passion of a thousand suns. You can read all about my love for the City of Awesome here and here. Because I'll be away for a few days, posting will likely be light. Stories and pictures upon my return, I promise.

Whatever you're doing, I wish you a fun Memorial Day weekend. Be safe, eat hot dogs, and wear sunscreen. I'll be here:



Maybe doing this:

Two things

First, I love Keith Olbermann more than words can say. For the first time since Prince William, I am considering stalking a public figure in hopes of getting them to fall madly in love with me and have 10,000 of my liberal babies.



Second, I am now officially published. That article I was working on for a travel website is up, and my mother couldn't be prouder. (More proud?) Ch-ch-check it out: The Savvy Explorer dot com.

LOST post coming later today.

Cannot wait to see this movie!

I realize the video below obscures half of my page, but I don't care--it's worth it. From the director of Old School, which just happens to be one of my all-time favorite movies, I present to you.....

THE HANGOVER

Shameless!

While I do enjoy talking about myself (and LOST), I will not hesitate to use this website to promote the interests of my friends. I've linked to Liz and Red over at Gingers Is the Watchword on more than one occasion, as I have with Z-man over at Death of the Courtesy Wave. [Side note: Why do my friends' blogs have such long names?] To prove to you that I have friends who are known for things other than blogging, it's someone else's turn to be shouted out on my website... a someone who just happens to be a filmmaker, and who just happens to have made a film recently.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you Mr. Todd M. Jones.


Todd and I went to law school together, and humorously enough, ran against each other for President of the Student Bar Association. He was clearly the better candidate (because he won) and way more qualified to be President of the student government at a Jewish law school (because I have no patience and often make off-color Jewish jokes. [See: "Jewish jokes" tag]). Despite being the better man for the job, Todd remained courteous and kind and even asked me to be part of his cabinet as a representative. Todd, in other words, is good people. Which is why I'm plastering his likeness on my website without his permission. (Hi, Todd!)

Mr. Jones and his crew have just completed their latest feature-length film. It's called Throws of Passion and it looks hilarious. Here's what Todd himself has to say about the movie:

Its a "mockumentary," which means if you enjoy THE OFFICE, or RENO 911! or THIS IS SPINAL TAP, then you would dig the style in which this movie is made. It's about a failed cable TV station and the last program it worked on - a Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament.

I watched the trailer three times today and can't wait to see the movie. Check out the trailer for Throws of Passion!!



To Todd, his crew, and everyone in the film (some of whom I recognize), congratulations and much luck! You deserve it!!

Throws of Passion trailer

It might be a little too early in the morning for giant penises....

...but I make exceptions for giant, lethal penises. I guarantee you will not find anything better on the internet today than this video. Go on. I DARE YOU.

Do you know how big a bus is?

You can stop searching. The hunt is over. All those hours spent stalking YouTube? All those sleepless nights passed by watching crazed lunatics hawk cleaning accouterments? They're over. Because I have found it: the best TV commercial of all time. Here's why:

• First of all, the name alone: Jones Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage. I always liked the term "big ass" as an adjective ("that's a big-ass fish taco!" "how am I supposed to park this big-ass Escalade in Manhattan?") but I never actually saw it used as part of a legal business name. I admire your creativity, Mr. Jones. And your balls.

• Second, Mr. Jones claims the reason for his low prices is that he's drunk. Now, see, while I appreciate a good drunk discount, I don't particularly like that the man in charge of making sure my shit doesn't get messed with is openly intoxicated. What stops him from driving my big bus right off his lot and using it to transport prison inmates?

• Third, he offers to store my weed. How many times have you looked at your Ziploc bags full of the good stuff and thought to yourself, "I just don't feel comfortable storing these illegal narcotics in my home. If only there was a safe place I could keep them, if only there was a trustworthy individual with whom I could leave my drugs..." Well look no further, my friends. Not only will Mr. Jones hold your stash for the lowest price around, but he'll advertise his willingness to do so on public television. Rest assured that if your shit goes missing, his big ass storage facility is the FIRST place the police will look!

The economy sucks, but it's FRIDAY!

Feliz viernes! I hope y'all had a Chico's kind of week.... the kind where you sat at your eco-friendly desks with your feet up, sipping coffee from your homemade mugs and watching the birds from your garden-level office window, all while Enya played in the background. Namaste.

For all of y'all that had a shitty week, I am sincerely sorry. Tell me what I can do to make it better, and I will try. Seriously. Email me, we'll meet up for drinks.

Here are some awesome things I've stumbled up this week the end of your week go by just a little faster.

First off, we have something to warm your cold hearts. You may have seen this adorable picture already, but I felt that I to comemorate it in some way.

This is Sam. She's a koala bear that was found roaming the burnt forests 90 miles outside of Melbourne, Australia. Firefighters rescued her and brought her to the Mountain Ash Wildlife Shelter, where she is being treated for burns on her paws. Can we all please shed a collective aaaww?


Next up we have... NAZIS!! That's right folks, Quentin Tarantino has directed a new gun-shooting, blood-flowing, crazy-ass movie, and this time it's all about scalping Nazis. I'm not kidding. It's called Inglorious Basterds (that's right, with an "e") and Brad Pitt stars. I'll say no more and let you judge for yourselves.




In other movie news, I went to an advanced screening of a little something called I Love You, Man last night, and it was the funniest thing I've seen since Superbad. Paul Rudd plays a man without friends who is about to get married. When he realizes he doesn't have a BM (that's best man, not bowel movement) he sets out to find one. And what ensues is pure hilarity. Check out the trailer here. (And note the use of Vampire Weekend on the soundtrack!)


So has anyone seen Robert Downey Jr. lately? WOWZA is he looking good!

And lastly, this is why you're fat.

WARNING: Eating more than three bites of anything shown on that website will likely induce a heart attack and/or weight gain of 10lbs or more.

Enjoy your THREE-day weekend, everybody!

"Is this real life?"

This is most definitely NOT the more serious, current post that I promised I would write today. This is, however, a video of a kid high on some good (legal) shit. Also, it's probably what I would've looked like had I started smoking pot at age 8.

Another thing I'd do if I had a million dollars: buy Louis Vutton luggage

I promise to write a real post about something current and important later on today or tomorrow. (I swear, I already started writing it!) But for now, there are some more pressing issues I'd like to discuss. Like Jessica Simpson's outfit.

Seriously, what was she thinking here? I know there's been some controversy about her weight lately (which I think is utter bullshit) but dude... is it necessary to wear your boyfriend's shirt? And the rest of her outfit looks like she stumbled out of a Sundance free gift room with one of everything. Especially those boots--they look like something fleecy my grandmother had on her feet the other day.

Doesn't this picture make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? All that's missing is Andrea in the backseat, pointing out historical landmarks. I picture their conversation going something like this:

Donna: I'm so glad we never fought over a guy.
Kelly: I know. It helped that David was my brother and all.
Donna: Are you saying that you would've slept with him if his dad didn't marry your mom?
Kelly: Well I did sleep with Steve. And Dylan. And Brandon. David would've completed the circle, ya know?
Donna: You have a point, Kel. Hey, isn't that mall where they filmed Back to the Future?
Andrea: No, that mall is actually in Pasadena. The producers wanted--
Kelly: Shut up, Andrea.

I have the hugest girl crush on Megan Fox. I don't feel bad about it, either. Because Megan Fox is the kind of girl who would make a republican senator's wife a fail a lie detector test when asked if she ever had homosexual feelings. (Donna is gonna be SO pissed off when she finds out about Megan and David Silver!)

And finally, I'd like to introduce you to Spaghetti Cat's cousin. I don't have a name for him yet, so I thought I'd let you guys name him after watching this clip. Watch the whole thing, there's a surprise ending!

Have I misjudged an entire class of potential suitors based solely on their affiliation with the armed forces?

I think I may have! GO ARMY!

Kittehs takes ridez

It's Friday! Do the Carlton dance!

Happy Friday, Internet!!! I hope you all do a little dance in celebration of this shitastic week being over. And if you had a good week, then you should still celebrate that it's over!!

Here's some things to help distract you from from getting any real work done today.

David Beckham looking muy caliente in an Armani ad. YUMMY.

If you're going to San Francisco.... please take me with you! One of my favorite cities in California.

There's a reason why people love San Diego.

Remember the scene in Men In Black with the alien spaceship? I'm neither confirming nor denying the accuracy of that scene, but let's just say it might be true.

If you haven't seen this video of Ahston Kutcher complaining about his neighbor's construction, please take a moment to watch the minute-long clip. Poor Ahston, being woken up at the ungodly hour of 7AM. The horror!

Okay, WTF is this? Seriously. Like we don't have enough enough people wearing Crocs in this world, we now want our dogs associated with this abomination of footwear? I guess since dogs can't wear shoes, the next best thing was to create doggy beds in the shape of a hideous rubber version of something the Dutch created many years ago. Here is the website from which this atrocity came. And I'm warning you, if you're going to that website to purchase one of these vomit-inducing things, you are no longer welcome on this site. I'm serious. (Ok, not really. But I think you get how much I can't stand this idea.)

So I tried to convince a friend (that's right, I called you out!) to see this movie last night but he refused. I tried for a good 10 minutes to get him to understand what a spectacular movie this is, how many awards it's won, that every single person I've spoken to that's seen it has raved about it. I had my iPhone out, ready to pull up a preview on YouTube, even looked up movie times in surrounding areas. But no. He didn't think it was a movie he'd be interested in seeing and basically told me to drop it. ::Shaking head:: I implore, nay I DEMAND that anyone reading this who has seen this movie leave a comment about how good it was. And if you'd like to go see it again or haven't seen it at all (like me) let me know. Because I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't had the pleasure.


And finally, I know someone who is going to the Superbowl. He is in Tampa as we speak, probably assisting his best friend, a photographer for NFL.com, in taking pictures of the players. AND! He will be seeing Journey live before the game on Sunday. I officially hate you, Steve. So much.
UPDATE: I just got the following text message from Steve in Tampa: "I just saw the little person from In Bruges." The level of jealousy over here has reached volatile levels.

Awesome

Every time I see one of these, I wonder who I can contact to participate.

Random things that have nothing to do with each other

Happy Friday everyone! As always, I hope you're avoiding your responsibilities and leaving work early today. And for those of you in the En-why-cee, you may actually have a legit excuse to do so today: it is snowing like whoa out there! We're getting our first real snowstorm and I'm loving it. That is, until I have to step outside in it. My friends and I have plans to go to dinner and a show tonight so I'm hoping this doesn't turn into a blizzard.

As I like to do on every 5th day of the workweek, I've compiled a list of random things for your Friday enjoyment.

Someone needs to feed Kelly Rippa. Contrary to popular belief among 20-year olds and everyone in Hollywood, there is such a thing as being too thin. And Kelly Ripa proves my point. She needs to eat a bacon cheeseburger like, yesterday.

Michelle Duggar popped out her 37th kid. The couple with 17 kids welcomed their 18th yesterday in Arkansas. Her husband Jim Bob was quoted as saying, "We would love to have more." Upon hearing that statement, Michelle's vagina got up and walked out of the room. It was later found smoking a bowl while booking a one way ticket to the Cayman Islands.

Fringe wasn't that great; try Burn "Notice" instead. The other day I talked about how J.J. Abrams' new show "Fringe" looked promising. Well after watching a second episode I decided it wasn't for me. That wacky science stuff is just too unbelievable for me to take seriously. It's why I never watched X-Files. I did, however, start watching another show on Hulu that lives up to the hype. I've watched 4 episodes of "Burn Notice," and so far, it's pretty excellent. It centers around a ex-government spy who has essentially been kicked out of the spy club. His assets are frozen, his contacts have vanished and he's left to fend for himself in Miami. Ie: he's been burned. So he uses his spy skills to solve random cases for cash while he finds out who in the government did him dirty. What I love about the show is that it doesn't try at all to be like 24. It's more like MacGyver, but way funnier.

Jeremy Piven is lie-telling. At least I think so. According to his doctors, Ari Gold has mercury poisoning and will not be able to continue his performance in a Broadway show called "Speed-the-plow." Mercury poisoning, hmm? Methinks the Pivert wanted out of the show and had to find a legit reason. And he came up with, "I ate too much sushi." Yeah, I bet you did.

I fell down the stairs this morning and hurt my assbone. Again. I'm pretty much a legend in my family for being the most clumsy person ever. Not a holiday goes by that I don't spill the wine or drop the eggs or burn the potatoes or, on one awesome occasion, almost set the tree on fire. So really, you shouldn't be surprised by this latest occurrence. I'll probably fall in the snow later today or drop my drink into someone's chicken. But hey, at least the steps were carpeted this time.

If only he got knocked unconscious

President Bush spent his evening dodging size-10 shoes in Iraq. What did you do today?

While on a "surprise" trip to Baghdad, Bush declared that "the war is not over" which apparently upset a reporter from an Iraqi-owned television station in Egypt. Before Best President Ever could say say nucular miseducation, the reporter flung two shoes at him while yelling, "This is a farewell kiss, you dog!" Throwing shoes at someone is considered highly disrespectful in Arabic culture. Calling them a dog, however, is considered flirting.

Let's watch a reporter flirt with our president while a very bored-looking prime minister looks on.

Throwback!

I have no idea what this video is for, it might be an advertisement for a summer camp. All I know is that I spotted the following people in it: Urkel, Winnie Cooper, D.J. Tanner, and Jennifer Aniston. Those are for sure. Here are some people I think I saw: Dawson Leary, Quin from Dexter, and Ralph Macchio. Ah the 90's. Why didn't my parents ever send me to this place?

They can say that on TV?

When did SNL get funny again?! I think Justin Timberlake should quit his record label and just produce stuff for NBC. Or make random appearances in all their music videos.

Maybe my taste in music is so uncool, it's cool

My least favorite question in the world is, "So what kind of music do you like?" I think it is a completely unfair question on so many levels and I therefore refuse to answer it. (It's true, just read my profile.) First of all, everyone's tastes change. Ask me today what my favorite band is and you'll get a completely different answer than if you ask me tomorrow. A group I LURVE today I may loathe next week. Secondly, I hate the passive judgment that goes along with the question, like the answer somehow defines me as a person. So what if I know all the words to "Juicy" and almost every R. Kelly song ever made? That doesn't mean I rock the red and black lumberjack with the hat to match or that you remind me of my jeep.

I hate the "what do you listen to" question so much that I have never, not once, pulled it out on a date unless I was really desperate. Why? Because I'm not a music whore and don't know half the bands out there. I don't own many CD's and most of the music on my iPod is pretty standard. I haven't been to many concerts in my life, and the few I have been to were all really, really famous people. (And one Yanni concert.) I'm not down with what the cool kids are listening to and I don't think that makes me a bad person. I don't feel that I'm less of a human being because I never listened to Modest Mouse or that band with the word math in it. (Are those bands even cool? I have no idea. The first time I wrote that sentence I typed "Mighty Mouse." NOT kidding.)

Here's how I get my music ninety-five percent of the time: I hear a song on the radio/in someone's car/on their blog and like it. I go to my favorite music-downloading site and "acquire" it. I look for other songs by that band and see if I like them. Sometimes I look to see what else people who like that band are listening to. More often than not, I download the original song I liked and listen to it 25 times. As for the other five percent of the time, I'm usually looking for songs from my past. Which is how I know the lyrics to this song. And this one. And oh did I cry my teenage angst out to this one.

How do you honestly explain to someone that you like ALL kinds of music? No one ever believes me. Yes, I use it as an excuse so I don't have to answer the question, but that doesn't mean it's not true! Back in my Napster days I had about 6,000 songs saved on my old laptop before it got internet herpes and died. At some point in time, I downloaded and enjoyed all of the followings artists: Tori Amos, Bon Jovi, Staind, Old 97's, New Kids on the Block, Stevie Wonder, Stevie Nicks, Tupac, Hole, Jill Scott, Crosby Stills and Nash (and Young), Jack Johnson, Type O Negative, Muddy Waters, some weird European techno trash, Dashboard Confessional, A-ha, Ludacris, Miles Davis and Daddy Yankee. (Don't judge, I like to get my reggaeton on once in a while.) But how do you explain that to someone who's known you for all of five minutes? How do you convince them that you really do like all different kinds of music, but it just doesn't include that supercool underground band that they saw last week at that really unknown bar?

To show you just how little I know about music and what's popular, here's a song I recently heard that I liked a lot. It's called "I'm Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend" by The Black Kids. I have no idea what genre it belongs to, I don't know anything about the band, and I didn't even watch the video. I just really liked the song and played it a bunch of times while I was doing other stuff. And to prove to myself that I still have decent taste in music regardless of how little I know about it, I liked this song before it was on "Entourage" and started being played on every hip hop station in America.

But just so we're clear, this is still the best song in the history of the universe. I can't be convinced otherwise.

**Ten points to anyone who can spot the "that's what she said" moment**