Sunday, November 2, 2008

Because I fancy myself a food critic and a humanitarian

Six things that should never, ever be eaten or drunk alone.

Tonic without the gin. I recently bought a bottle of Tanqueray, and let me tell you something about tonic water: it tastes a little like vomit.

Burgers without the cheese. No offense to my Torah-reading friends, but it's just not the same.

Chicken broth without the bullion cube. Have you ever tasted unseasoned soup? It's like drinking a spoonful of hot water with just a hint of grease.

Cabbage without fish tacos. Little known fact about fish tacos: you're supposed to serve them with cabbage, not lettuce. I would have never known that if I hadn't gone to the City of Awesome.

Freshly baked bread without butter. Oh my God, have you ever had fresh bread? Like FRESH, crusty bread that's still warm? No? Well get your ass to a bakery the next time you're up at 5am and indulge me. There are fewer things better in life.

Wine without the stuff that makes it wine. Kick you feet up and get ready for a life lesson you will not soon forget. Before grapes ferment and become wine, winemakers (read: my uncles back in the Motherland) usually tap the barrels for what they call "young wine." They like to tell you it's sweet (it is), and that it won't get you drunk (it won't), and that it's good for you (questionable.) Really what it is, is a natural laxative. Two glasses of this stuff and you will have NO problem dropping the chocolate cobra. And just so we're clear, what I really mean is that you will shit your brains out. For argument's sake, let's say you only have one glass. No big deal, right? WRONG. One glass only ensures that you make three trips to the bathroom instead of five. Why am I telling you this? Because on the off chance that you read this before going to Italy or France or your uncle's garage and he's all, "Here, try my new wine," you can be all, "Has it fermented yet? Because if not, I'm really not in the mood for diarrhea today."

1 comment:

Liz said...

Ummm ... thank you?