Rest In Peace, Arnold

Too early in the morning for this topic? Yeah, probably.

Around this time last year, I was up to my eyeballs in the degrees of murder and grounds for divorce in New York. ("I don't want to be married to this douche" is apparently not one of them.) During a break from studying this crap really important legal stuff, I sent Liz the following email:

"For some reason, I thought of you when I came across this photo. For 2 reasons: (1) because he's hot and I thought you'd think so, too, and (2) because he's wearing bikini briefs while holding a butcher knife with a look on his face that says, "Oh. why Susan, you surprised me. What's that? You wanna know where John is? Well.. um..."

His name is Jason Mraz, he's some famous musician or something. Never heard of him. But he is damn hot."

Little did I know that I would later become obsessed this fine piece of hotness. Every song he makes, every video he puts out draws me deeper into his web of delightful sarcasm. And now I'm so tangled up that I can't escape.

So tangled, in fact, that when he recently blogged about toilet tips, all I did was smile and go, "Oooohhhh that's Just Jason Mraz being Jason Mraz. At least he's green!"

Oh, and did I mention the real reason for this post? The almost-naked picture of him? I didn't? Well shame on me!

Who knows what that tattoo on his arms says?

Happy Birthday, Mr. Brand

It's not that I want to be attracted to Russell Brand. It's not like I took one look at the dead possum on top of his head and said, "THAT is what I want to run my fingers through get my whole arm caught in." It's just one of those weird celebrity crushes that has nothing to do with anything, but is so outlandish and peculiar that, really, how could you NOT tell the world about your fixation on this hot mess? It's like when you fall down the subway stairs in front of 200 strangers and them email all your friends about it: it's really embarrassing and kinda hurts a little, but you had to tell someone.

Something else I need less of: Kanye's ego

I used to think Kanye was the most arrogant bastard to ever spit a rhyme. Every other word out of his mouth is about how great and amazing he is, how he's the voice of our generation. The first (and only) time dude was ever on Oprah he basically told Queen O that his shit don't stink. I've only seen Oprah give a handful of people the side-eye, and after 10 minutes in her chair, Kanye officially became one of them. Kanye loves himself so much that he said his greatest tragedy is that he will never be able to see himself perform live. THAT, my friends, is conceit in its purest form. If Kanye's love for himself came in crystal meth, it would be the kind Whitney and Bobby smoke before beating the hell out of each other for the cameras. Seriously, even Donald Trump doesn't love himself as Kanye does (as evidenced by that dead animal he wears atop his head, but I digress.)

Despite Kanye's bromance with his own greatness, I have to respect his gangster. In the music industry, you have to respect and believe in yourself if you want anyone else to take you seriously. Whatever your definition of the word "mogul," Kanye's doing it right. He's a phenomenal performer, a talented producer, a savvy businessman, and most recently an up-and-come fashionisto. And for all the love Kanye has for Kanye, I don't think he's obnoxious about it. He doesn't go around expecting people to give him free stuff or get out of assault charges just because he's Kanye; he expects people to buy tickets to his concerts and play six of his songs on the radio because he's Kanye. Yes he thinks he's the next Michael Jackson, but his next song won't be about how he sold more records than Michael. Kanye gives respect where respect is due, which in turn makes me respect him.

I also like Kanye because despite his celebrity, he keeps it real. He has a blog, but he doesn't just use it to update the world on how amazing he is (he uses his songs for that.) He mostly uses his blog to clear up rumors or call people out on their shit, and most of the time, I completely agree with him. I don't read his blog, but I do catch snippets of it on other websites every so often. Kanye recently blogged about a fictitious Twitter account created in his name, and I have to admit, it was very entertaining. I had to sit quietly with my eyes closed afterward to recover from his caps lock affinity, but it was worth it:

(This spaz comes courtesy of losers making fake Kanye West Twitter accounts) I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER... WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I'M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I'M NOT AND I'M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN'T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF. THE PEOPLE AT TWITTER KNOW I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER SO FOR THEM TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO POSE AS ME AND ACCUMULATE OVER A MILLION NAMES IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND DECEITFUL TO THERE FAITHFUL USERS. REPEAT... THE HEADS OF TWITTER KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE A TWITTER AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ACCOUNTS HAVE HIGH ACTIVITY ON THEM. IT'S A FUCKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE. HEY TWITTER, TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW .... WHY? ... BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!

GASP!! Kanye doesn't have a Twitter account. ::Stunned silence:: You mean he doesn't want to let the world know what he's up to every second of every day? But how will people know how great and amazing he is if he doesn't constantly remind them?! How will people know what he just ate for lunch and what sneakers he bought so they can go out and eat at the same thing and buy the same sneakers and be JUST LIKE KANYE?!

That's easy: Kanye doesn't need Twitter to let the world know how awesome he is; he does that just by being Kanye. (Also, I still think Twitter is stupid. If the Greatest Voice of Our Generation doesn't need to twat (typo, but it stays) about his whereabouts and bowel movements, then I think the rest of us are just fine without it.)

And by the way, I now know why Kanye wears those gay-ass sunglasses that look like window blinds: because he can't read his own writing without some sort of protective eyewear. That, or he needs them to stop himself from jumping the mirror every time he gets a glimpse of how AMAZING he is.

There is nothing hot about Russell Brand. And yet....

Strange celebrity crushes. We all have them. There's at least one famous person out there whom you think is hot/cute/so ridiculously good-looking that you would shag them upon sight--but who would also cause you endless hours of ridicule if anyone ever found out about your obsession. Okay, so hopefully you're not jonesin' on Richard Simmons. But maybe you have a little thing for Rod Blagojevich? Oprah? Brian Austin Green?

There are a few people in my closet of celebrities I have a thing for, and I'm not ashamed to reveal them. (Well, most of them.) Here goes:

Jesse James. The tattoos, the muscles, that shit-eating smirk....swoon. I guess every girl likes a bad boy.

Mike Rowe. I've mentioned my obession with Mr. Mike Rowe several times on this website. It's no secret. But it IS a litlte strange. First of all, he's pushing 50. Second of all, he crawls into slimy claustrophobia-inducing spaces for a living. But there's something about his self-deprecating, witty humor that really does it for me.

Seth Rogan. I've always said that what I look for in a man goes something like this: first, you have to make laugh. If you can, then show me that you're smart, that what you're joking about is witty and intelligent. Then come the looks--not super important, but you have to be attractive. Seth Rogan is the perfect embodiment of that template: he's one of the funniest people on the planet, he's clearly brainy, and since he's been getting healthy, he's not that bad on the eyes.

Keith Olbermann. I want to marry this man and have 10,000 of his liberal babies.



Who's your weird celebrity crush? And are you brave enough to admit it to the Internet?

How about not subjecting the world to your fantastic display of douchery? Can you take another year or two of THAT?

Remember when Katherine Heigl gave ABC and Grey's Anatomy the finger and declined an Emmy nomination because she thought she was the next George Clooney and wanted to star in major motion pictures? Well it looks like she was just kidding. That, or she realized her segue into movie stardom is slightly hindered by the fact that she's a raging bitch. Ya know, either or. According to the AP:

Katherine Heigl said Friday she's ready to stay with Grey's Anatomy and the decision rests with the show … she's comfortable balancing movies and TV by working on big-screen projects during the summer hiatus for Grey's Anatomy. "I'm more than happy to make that compromise. I don't know if I want to continue for five years working 12 months a year, but I can take at least another year or two," she said.

In related news, my neighbor recently took a third job working the night shift as a janitor to avoid foreclosure. When asked to comment on the Heigl controversy, he collapsed in exhaustion and was rushed to St. Vincent's Hospital. He was later diagnosed with bleeding ulcers, but refused surgery, stating, "I can't afford to take the time off right now. Maybe next year, if the bank doesn't take my house."

Forty-what? I could DEFINITELY get over that

My mom and I share a mutual obsession with the very hot, very dirty Mr. Mike Rowe. He's cute, he's smart, he's ambitious, and he's not afraid to tackle a pig while shimmying down a sewer pipe. I mean, what more could a woman ask for?

Today just happens to be Mr. Mike Rowe's birthday. I won't tell you his age, because that makes my crush on him just a little creepy. But I will share this ridiculously sexy picture of him.


Happy birthday, Mike Rowe. Is there a dirty job I can do for you today?

How to annoy me, Hollywood edition

Ask me one more time if I have that copy of "The Case of the Curious George Button." Even better, tell me that Kate Winslet is the star of "Private Practice," or that Ben Afleck is married to Jennifer Connelly, or that Colin Ferguson hosts a late night talk show on CBS. In your world, does Val Kilmer star in "24'? Even if he did, I'm sure you'd call him Jimmy Kimmel. GET YOUR PROPER NOUNS STRAIGHT, WOMAN!



**Side note: why does Curious George look like he only has one eye in this picture?

You will ALWAYS be my Noah

That is all. Happy Saturday, everyone!!

I'd serve sushi and start the evening off with some Saki bombs

I don't watch the news enough. I know this because as I was trying to think of 10 people I'd like to invite to dinner, I couldn't come up with any important female figures. Seriously. I had Ellen Degeneres and Madeline Albright. That's pretty pathetic. I know very little about world news and politics to begin with; I just wasn't born with that "need to know what's going on everywhere, all the time" gene. And ever since my iGoogle homepage started asking me to enter a password every time I clicked on it, I've started going directly to Gmail and skipping the BBC and CNN headlines. Add that to the fact that I don't really watch TV on an actual TV anymore, and you have someone who gets most of her news from her mom (her very smart mom, but albeit her mom) and can't think of any women to put on her dinner guest list aside from Oprah. I should be ashamed of myself.

But hey, I make up for it other ways. Like speaking three languages and knowing the capital of Dijbouti. (It's Dijbouti.) Also, I make a mean cheesecake and can decorate the shit out of your living room. How many news junkies can say that?! And despite not knowing anything about the World Bank of China, I think I can still put together a decent dinner guest list:


Ellen Degeneres. I know, I know. Ellen probably won't have time to attend my dinner party because she'll be busy attending everyone else's. But I can't help it if I (and the rest of the world) think she's awesome. She's smart, funny, humble, and she dances!

Craig Furgeson. I have had a crush on this man for far longer than is appropriate for a Scottish late night talk show host. His accent, his humor, his height.... I'm certain he'd make for a very entertaining evening.

Joss Whedon. This man is truly brilliant. He's the perfect cross between high school Magic Card geek, and million-dollar idea man. I'd love to pick his brain about how he comes up with such interesting, creative story lines. I can't stand sci-fi anything, yet he had me watching old episodes of Buffy on VHS like it was my job in college. AND he has me watching Dollhouse. That is talent, my friend.

Bill Maher. Every time I make one of these lists, I put Bill Maher on it because we share a lot of the same political views and both think Anne Coulter is the Queen of all Cunts. But then I realize he'd get really annoying after about 30 minutes of discrediting everyone's views. So I've come up with a compromise, a condition of sorts: Bill can't come to dinner unless he's really, really high. He has to be lucid enough to have a meaningful discussion about gay rights, but mellow enough to not accuse Ellen of trying to have a threesome with Oprah and Gayle.

Clive Owen. I like his accent. And he's really fun to look at. Plus I'd like to ask him how it feels being sex personified.

Mike Rowe. Mr. Dirty Jobs is the perfect mix of self-deprecating humor, humbleness, and pure man. He's the only person I know who can shave a pig while eloquently describing the texture of the swine's skin and the aroma eminating from the barn. My only request is that he shower before sitting down to eat.

Kate Winslet. And not just because she won an Oscar the other night. I've always admired her and think she's an incredibly real woman. She's classically beautiful and doesn't seem to let the media define her as a person. And, like everyone else on this list, she's funny.

Joe Buck. I know even less about sports than I do about world news. But I saw Joe Buck on an episode of Conan one time and absolutely fell in love. He exudes just the right amount of arrogance and self-importance to add a touch of class to the party. Plus, no one else I've invited really seems that interested in sports, so he wouldn't hijack the conversation.

Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow. They come as a pair, and I don't think I have to explain their presence at this dinner. I would seat then directly across from Bill Maher and gladly excuse them to take as many trips out onto the deck as they like. I may even join them if this guest list totally backfires and everyone starts hitting on Kate Winslet.

The economy sucks, but it's FRIDAY!

Feliz viernes! I hope y'all had a Chico's kind of week.... the kind where you sat at your eco-friendly desks with your feet up, sipping coffee from your homemade mugs and watching the birds from your garden-level office window, all while Enya played in the background. Namaste.

For all of y'all that had a shitty week, I am sincerely sorry. Tell me what I can do to make it better, and I will try. Seriously. Email me, we'll meet up for drinks.

Here are some awesome things I've stumbled up this week the end of your week go by just a little faster.

First off, we have something to warm your cold hearts. You may have seen this adorable picture already, but I felt that I to comemorate it in some way.

This is Sam. She's a koala bear that was found roaming the burnt forests 90 miles outside of Melbourne, Australia. Firefighters rescued her and brought her to the Mountain Ash Wildlife Shelter, where she is being treated for burns on her paws. Can we all please shed a collective aaaww?


Next up we have... NAZIS!! That's right folks, Quentin Tarantino has directed a new gun-shooting, blood-flowing, crazy-ass movie, and this time it's all about scalping Nazis. I'm not kidding. It's called Inglorious Basterds (that's right, with an "e") and Brad Pitt stars. I'll say no more and let you judge for yourselves.




In other movie news, I went to an advanced screening of a little something called I Love You, Man last night, and it was the funniest thing I've seen since Superbad. Paul Rudd plays a man without friends who is about to get married. When he realizes he doesn't have a BM (that's best man, not bowel movement) he sets out to find one. And what ensues is pure hilarity. Check out the trailer here. (And note the use of Vampire Weekend on the soundtrack!)


So has anyone seen Robert Downey Jr. lately? WOWZA is he looking good!

And lastly, this is why you're fat.

WARNING: Eating more than three bites of anything shown on that website will likely induce a heart attack and/or weight gain of 10lbs or more.

Enjoy your THREE-day weekend, everybody!

Another thing I'd do if I had a million dollars: buy Louis Vutton luggage

I promise to write a real post about something current and important later on today or tomorrow. (I swear, I already started writing it!) But for now, there are some more pressing issues I'd like to discuss. Like Jessica Simpson's outfit.

Seriously, what was she thinking here? I know there's been some controversy about her weight lately (which I think is utter bullshit) but dude... is it necessary to wear your boyfriend's shirt? And the rest of her outfit looks like she stumbled out of a Sundance free gift room with one of everything. Especially those boots--they look like something fleecy my grandmother had on her feet the other day.

Doesn't this picture make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? All that's missing is Andrea in the backseat, pointing out historical landmarks. I picture their conversation going something like this:

Donna: I'm so glad we never fought over a guy.
Kelly: I know. It helped that David was my brother and all.
Donna: Are you saying that you would've slept with him if his dad didn't marry your mom?
Kelly: Well I did sleep with Steve. And Dylan. And Brandon. David would've completed the circle, ya know?
Donna: You have a point, Kel. Hey, isn't that mall where they filmed Back to the Future?
Andrea: No, that mall is actually in Pasadena. The producers wanted--
Kelly: Shut up, Andrea.

I have the hugest girl crush on Megan Fox. I don't feel bad about it, either. Because Megan Fox is the kind of girl who would make a republican senator's wife a fail a lie detector test when asked if she ever had homosexual feelings. (Donna is gonna be SO pissed off when she finds out about Megan and David Silver!)

And finally, I'd like to introduce you to Spaghetti Cat's cousin. I don't have a name for him yet, so I thought I'd let you guys name him after watching this clip. Watch the whole thing, there's a surprise ending!

It's Friday! Do the Carlton dance!

Happy Friday, Internet!!! I hope you all do a little dance in celebration of this shitastic week being over. And if you had a good week, then you should still celebrate that it's over!!

Here's some things to help distract you from from getting any real work done today.

David Beckham looking muy caliente in an Armani ad. YUMMY.

If you're going to San Francisco.... please take me with you! One of my favorite cities in California.

There's a reason why people love San Diego.

Remember the scene in Men In Black with the alien spaceship? I'm neither confirming nor denying the accuracy of that scene, but let's just say it might be true.

If you haven't seen this video of Ahston Kutcher complaining about his neighbor's construction, please take a moment to watch the minute-long clip. Poor Ahston, being woken up at the ungodly hour of 7AM. The horror!

Okay, WTF is this? Seriously. Like we don't have enough enough people wearing Crocs in this world, we now want our dogs associated with this abomination of footwear? I guess since dogs can't wear shoes, the next best thing was to create doggy beds in the shape of a hideous rubber version of something the Dutch created many years ago. Here is the website from which this atrocity came. And I'm warning you, if you're going to that website to purchase one of these vomit-inducing things, you are no longer welcome on this site. I'm serious. (Ok, not really. But I think you get how much I can't stand this idea.)

So I tried to convince a friend (that's right, I called you out!) to see this movie last night but he refused. I tried for a good 10 minutes to get him to understand what a spectacular movie this is, how many awards it's won, that every single person I've spoken to that's seen it has raved about it. I had my iPhone out, ready to pull up a preview on YouTube, even looked up movie times in surrounding areas. But no. He didn't think it was a movie he'd be interested in seeing and basically told me to drop it. ::Shaking head:: I implore, nay I DEMAND that anyone reading this who has seen this movie leave a comment about how good it was. And if you'd like to go see it again or haven't seen it at all (like me) let me know. Because I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't had the pleasure.


And finally, I know someone who is going to the Superbowl. He is in Tampa as we speak, probably assisting his best friend, a photographer for NFL.com, in taking pictures of the players. AND! He will be seeing Journey live before the game on Sunday. I officially hate you, Steve. So much.
UPDATE: I just got the following text message from Steve in Tampa: "I just saw the little person from In Bruges." The level of jealousy over here has reached volatile levels.

If I had a million dollars

It's award season, which means all the celebrities are out 'n' aboot. (I'm having a Canadian moment, go with it.) And when the celebrities come out to play, the gossip websites go nuts: Angelina and Brad totally snubbing Ryan Seacrest at the Golden Globes, Eva Longoria trying to be Jennifer Lopez, and.....this is my favorite part of all..... Angie didn't get ONE SINGLE AWARD. Not one! HA!!

Watching all of these celebrities makes me think about if I were famous. What would I do? Where would I go? How would I occupy all my free time and spend my millions? Ah, to have money. But it also got me thinking about the perks of being a celebrity and how you pretty much don't have to do anything yourself. Wouldn't it be nice to never have to pay another bill yourself? Or schedule a doctor's appointment or make a restaurant reservation? There are definitely things I would leave to my gaggle of assistants if I were famous. But there are also some things I wouldn't want anyone else doing for me.

I WOULD let someone else make all my travel arrangements for me. I WOULD NOT let them carry my luggage.

I WOULD get all of my cutting, plucking, waxing and painting done professionally. I WOULD NOT hire people to come to my house and do all of those things.

I WOULD hire a housekeeper and someone to do the cooking. I WOULD NOT want them to live in my house or be there for 16 hours a day.

I WOULD hire an assistant to take care of scheduling, booking, etc. I WOULD NOT let said assistant do my shopping for me, not even grocery shopping and especially not gift shopping.

I WOULD buy more expensive clothes and shop at upscale furniture stores. I WOULD NOT be above shopping at Crate & Barrel, Pier One or even Ikea.

I WOULD get a great big house in the Hollywood Hills (or La Jolla in San Diego). I WOULD NOT buy all the surrounding properties and turn it into Bill Gates' estate Never Never Land.

I WOULD get a dog. I WOULD NOT take it everywhere with me. Dogs do not belong on red carpets or in supermarkets.

What would you do? What wouldn't you do?

Celebrity gossip whores such as myself will find this HILARIOUS

I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas! I know I did =) I'd like to thank my family for getting me such awesome, thoughtful gfits. Among my favorites are my fabulous yellow handbag from Aldo and a gym membership!! I can't wait to start working out.

A little sad news: I was supposed to spend New Year's in L.A., but that doesn't look like it's happening =( To keep my spirits up, here's a little something I found that brings the lol's. Especially the last few seconds. Enjoy!

"Mystique is Pregnant" featuring Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn by Jerry Minor

Random things that have nothing to do with each other

Happy Friday everyone! As always, I hope you're avoiding your responsibilities and leaving work early today. And for those of you in the En-why-cee, you may actually have a legit excuse to do so today: it is snowing like whoa out there! We're getting our first real snowstorm and I'm loving it. That is, until I have to step outside in it. My friends and I have plans to go to dinner and a show tonight so I'm hoping this doesn't turn into a blizzard.

As I like to do on every 5th day of the workweek, I've compiled a list of random things for your Friday enjoyment.

Someone needs to feed Kelly Rippa. Contrary to popular belief among 20-year olds and everyone in Hollywood, there is such a thing as being too thin. And Kelly Ripa proves my point. She needs to eat a bacon cheeseburger like, yesterday.

Michelle Duggar popped out her 37th kid. The couple with 17 kids welcomed their 18th yesterday in Arkansas. Her husband Jim Bob was quoted as saying, "We would love to have more." Upon hearing that statement, Michelle's vagina got up and walked out of the room. It was later found smoking a bowl while booking a one way ticket to the Cayman Islands.

Fringe wasn't that great; try Burn "Notice" instead. The other day I talked about how J.J. Abrams' new show "Fringe" looked promising. Well after watching a second episode I decided it wasn't for me. That wacky science stuff is just too unbelievable for me to take seriously. It's why I never watched X-Files. I did, however, start watching another show on Hulu that lives up to the hype. I've watched 4 episodes of "Burn Notice," and so far, it's pretty excellent. It centers around a ex-government spy who has essentially been kicked out of the spy club. His assets are frozen, his contacts have vanished and he's left to fend for himself in Miami. Ie: he's been burned. So he uses his spy skills to solve random cases for cash while he finds out who in the government did him dirty. What I love about the show is that it doesn't try at all to be like 24. It's more like MacGyver, but way funnier.

Jeremy Piven is lie-telling. At least I think so. According to his doctors, Ari Gold has mercury poisoning and will not be able to continue his performance in a Broadway show called "Speed-the-plow." Mercury poisoning, hmm? Methinks the Pivert wanted out of the show and had to find a legit reason. And he came up with, "I ate too much sushi." Yeah, I bet you did.

I fell down the stairs this morning and hurt my assbone. Again. I'm pretty much a legend in my family for being the most clumsy person ever. Not a holiday goes by that I don't spill the wine or drop the eggs or burn the potatoes or, on one awesome occasion, almost set the tree on fire. So really, you shouldn't be surprised by this latest occurrence. I'll probably fall in the snow later today or drop my drink into someone's chicken. But hey, at least the steps were carpeted this time.

Completely unfounded predictions by a totally unqualified blogger

I was just reading the Golden Globe nominations and realized that I haven't seen a single movie that's up for an award. (Except Pineapple Express and Kung Fu Panda, but I don't think they count.) In fact, I hadn't even HEARD of most of the films nominated. So I went on IMDB to check out some trailers and, based only on 2-minute clips, have decided to predict who will win each Motion Picture category. As for the TV categories, I've seen most of the shows so I feel slightly more competent to predict the winners in those categories. This should be some sort of documented social experiment....

BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
The Reader (2nd pick)
Revolutionary Road
Slumdog Millionaire (3rd pick)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
Anne Hathaway - Rachel Getting Married (3rd pick)
Angelina Jolie - Changeling
Meryl Streep - Doubt
Kristin Scott Thomas - I've Loved You So Long (2nd pick)
Kate Winslet - Revolutionary Road

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
Leonardo DiCaprio - Revolutionary Road
Frank Langella - Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn - Milk
Brad Pitt - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (3rd pick)
Mickey Rourke - The Wrestler (2nd pick)

BEST MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Burn After Reading
Happy-Go-Lucky
In Bruges (2nd pick)
Mamma Mia!
Vicky Cristina Barcelona (3rd pick)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Rebecca Hall - Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2nd pick)
Sally Hawkins - Happy Go Lucky
Frances McDormand - Burn After Reading
Meryl Streep - Mamma Mia!
Emma Thompson - Last Chance Harvey

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR DRAMA
Javier Bardem - Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Colin Farrell - In Bruges
James Franco - Pineapple Express
Brendan Gleeson - In Bruges (2nd pick)
Dustin Hoffman - Last Chance Harvey

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Bolt
Kung Fu Panda (2nd pick)
Wall-E

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
The Baader Meinhof Complex
Everlasting Moments (3rd pick)
Gomorrah
I've Loved You So Long (2nd pick)
Waltz With Bashir

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Amy Adams - Doubt (2nd pick)
Penelope Cruz - Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis - Doubt
Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler
Kate Winslet - The Reader

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Tom Cruise - Tropic Thunder
Robert Downey Jr. - Tropic Thunder (3rd pick)
Ralph Fiennes - The Duchess
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Doubt (2nd pick)
Heath Ledger - The Dark Knight

BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE
Danny Boyle - Slumdog Millionaire
Stephen Daldry - The Reader
David Fincher -The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard - Frost/Nixon (2nd pick)
Sam Mendes - Revolutionary Road

BEST SCREENPLAY - MOTION PICTURE
Simon Beaufoy - Slumdog Millionaire (2nd pick)
David Hare - The Reader
Peter Morgan - Frost/Nixon
Eric Roth - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
John Patrick Shanley -Doubt

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Dexter (2nd pick)
House
In Treatment
Mad Men
True Blood

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Sally Field - Brothers and Sisters
Mariska Hargitay - Law and Order: SVU
January Jones - Mad Men (2nd pick)
Anna Paquin - True Blood
Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Gabriel Byrne – In Treatment
Michael C. Hall - Dexter (2nd pick)
Jon Hamm - Mad Men
Hugh Laurie - House
Jonathan Rhys Meyers - The Tudors

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
30 Rock
Californication (2nd pick)
Entourage
The Office (3rd pick)
Weeds

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Christina Applegate - Samantha Who? (2nd pick)
America Ferrere - Ugly Betty
Tina Fey - 30 Rock
Debra Messing - The Starter Wife (3rd pick)
Mary-Louise Parker - Weeds

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Alec Baldwin - 30 Rock (2nd pick)
Steve Carell - The Office
Kevin Connolly - Entourage
David Duchovny - Californication
Tony Shalhoub - Monk

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
A Raisin in the Sun
Bernard and Doris
Cranford
John Adams
Recount

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Judi Dench - Cranford
Catherine Keener - An American Crime
Laura Linney - John Adams
Shirley Maclaine - Coco Chanel
Sunan Sarandon - Bernard and Doris

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Ralph Fiennes - Bernard and Doris (2nd pick)
Paul Giamatti - John Adams
Kevin Spacey - Recount
Kiefer Sutherland - 24: Redemption
Tom Wilkinson - Recount

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Eileen Atkins - Cranford
Laura Dern - Recount
Melissa George - In Treatment
Rachel Griffiths - Brothers and Sisters
Dianne Weist - In Treatment

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Neil Patrick Harris - How I Met Your Mother (2nd pick)
Denis Leary - Recount
Jeremy Piven - Entourage
Blair Underwood - In Treatment
Tom Wilkinson - John Adams

I left my own personal opinions and biases out of these guesses. If it were up to me, The Reader would win best motion picture, In Bruges would win best comedy, Brad Pitt would disappear to France to have more babies, and Tom Cruise would be knocked over the head with a shovel while accepting his fake award for best supporting actor in Tropic Thunder. Seriously, was that nomination some sort of joke? Was he even in the movie for more than five minutes? New rule: in order to get nominated for a role in a feature-length motion picture, you must ACT in the film for a total time of no less than ONE HOUR. Also, you can't make your wife into a Stepford robot or belong to a religion that doesn't believe in depression. Discovery of his Scientology sex dungeon in 3, 2, 1.....

They can say that on TV?

When did SNL get funny again?! I think Justin Timberlake should quit his record label and just produce stuff for NBC. Or make random appearances in all their music videos.

What if life COULD be the French Riviera?

Happy Friday, everyone! I hope you're all taking a long lunch today and leaving work early. Or at the very least, throwing back a few on your lunch hour. Because what better way to say "I'm so thrilled to still have this soul-crushing job in such a shitastic economy!" than giving your boss the finger as you walk in from a 2-hour lunch bogged down with Macy's bags and smelling of Jameson? (Disclaimer: I am in no way suggesting you do any of the above. But if you do, and happen to get fired, please let me know how I can forward your boss my resume.)

For those of you who are diligently sitting at your desks pretending to do work, here's a few things to help get you through the day.

Victoria Beckham says she's not a famewhore. And I believe her! She recently told the Daily Mail that doesn't court fame, and that the only grand entrances she makes are through the kitchens of L.A. restaurants. I can see how some people might disagree, considering her huge following. But think about it: when was the last time you saw Victoria Beckham on a red carpet? When was the last time you saw a paparazzi photo of her doing anything other than walking out of a store or doing something with her kids? Yes, she's rail thin and dresses like she's having tea with Elton John every day. But isn't that what fashion icons do?! How else are you going to promote your line if you don't wear your clothes and look fabulous in them? I call that a smart marketing plan, not a ploy to get media attention.

Speaking of whoring yourself out to the media... Mark your calendars. Michelle Duggar is giving birth to her 37th child on TV. Because allowing a film crew into the delivery room when your vagina is on display is perfectly modest, but heaven forbid your daughters wear skirts that show their ankles. I really don't get this family. They belong to a Christian religion (?) called Quiverfull, which encourages having large families. According to Quiverfull.com, followers of this faith "acknowledge His headship in all areas of our lives, including fertility" and "exist to serve those believers who trust the Lord for family size." Interesting concept. Do they also trust the Lord to feed their family of 24? They tell me that "whether your quiver is large or small, you are welcome." So maybe one day when I finally get that cattle farm out west and need some free labor, I'll consider having a "small" quiver of 12. Because I can't think of any other logical reason to have that many children. Can you?

And finally, can we stop with the remakes please? I feel like Hollywood has run out of ideas and is scraping the bottom of the barrel in a desperate attempt to make money. No one wants to see Andrea Whatshername reprise her role as Kimmy Gilber on Full House. Knight Rider 2008 was NOT a good idea, and can we leave the Karate Kid alone? Is nothing sacred anymore?! The only remake I want to see is It's a Living. But instead of waitresses at a swanky hotel in L.A., the show features upscale call girls in Europe. International movie stars fly to Prague and Milan and pay the world's most beautiful women to hang on their arms for a night. THAT, my friend, is how you make a living.

Five people I would not want to be

(1) The Obamas' future dog. I swear there's been more media coverage on what kind of puppy they're getting than of his economic policy. Do you know what kind of pressure that canine will be under? Stand up straight, don't shit in the Lincoln Bedroom, don't bite the reporters.

(2) Michael Phelps's publicist. Did you get a look at the chick he's dating? She's a waitress as the Palms in Vegas. Enough said.

(3) One of the Duggar kids. Aside from the fact that they quote scripture and don't drink alcohol and, here's why:

• Michelle and Jim Bob (that's his real name) Duggar have 17 kids and are pregnant with their 18th.
  
• They invited a family with 16 children to come stay with their flock for 2 weeks. "I'm used to cooking for so many people, what's 18 more?"
• Their kids wear "modesty swimsuits." I'm pretty sure those are actual Duggar children in the ad.
  
• They went to a place called The Creation Museum. Because that's how much they don't believe in evolution.
  
• Their oldest son is engaged to some 18-year old chick who he can't kiss until he's married to her.

(4) Katie Holmes when she finds out about Tommy Girl's sex dungeon and finally wakes up from her Xenu-induced trance. Something tells me that she and Nicole Kidman will the best of friends in about 8 years. (But Tommy Girl still won't believe in depression.)

(5) Joey Lawrence's wife. Again.... he's gay, right?