Random Friday Ruminations

Happy Friday Before a Holiday Weekend, everyone! I know it's been a while--I've been busy. Here's a list for you.

• Being alone in the office is about the only time I get to listen to (good) hip hop and rap music. Today I am alone in the office. Connect the dots....
• Living with a vegetarian and a manly man who eats a lot of meat has been a wonderful balance for my diet. Roommate T-money (the veggie) has opened my eyes to so many Trader Joe's items that I don't know what to do with myself. I might explode when she takes me to the Asian market. 
• Speaking of food, I love it. Love it love it love it. There is nothing I mind spending money on less than food. Take me to a good restaurant and I will be content for days, or as long as the leftovers last. That is all.
• It's been a year since I moved to San Diego. How about that. =) 
• Have I ever mentioned that Rad Boyfriend is a carny? I can't remember and I'm too lazy to go through all the posts tagged "boyfriend." So I'll just tell you now (and possibly again) that RB is descended from carny blood. His grandfather worked the fairs all over the west coast and the southwest, and his dad has been doing it since RB was born. Which means RB spent every summer working the basketball hoops, the registers, and doing various other things for his dad's concessions. Is it weird that I find this super sexy? Maybe. But I don't care. I'm getting a t-shirt made that says "My boyfriend is a carny." Swear. 
• So the reason I've been MIA is that I had a bit of a scare last week that brought me to the emergency room. I'm fine, it was likely nothing, but I have a follow-up appointment with a specialist today. Fingers crossed! (And that's all I'm saying about it.) (No I'm not pregnant.)
• The older I get, the more I think I want to live in a small town somewhere in North Carolina. I picture a house on 4 or 5 acres with a spectacular view and so secluded that you can walk out onto your porch naked in the morning to drink your coffee. Doesn't that sound awesome? 
• It's a three-day weekend, you guys!! What do you all have planned? My weekend is going to involve card games, beer, cleaning, decorating, a BBQ, THE WILD ANIMAL PARK!!!!!!!, and lots of sleep. What about you?

The 5 best things about dating nerds

Not that Rad Boyfriend is a nerd. I'd call him more of a sexy geek than a nerd, but still. He falls into the category that this blog post describes. (And how.)

The 5 Best things about dating nerds

17 things I've learned since turning 27

*Redheads make awesome roommates.

*Expensive shampoo and high-quality hair products are TOTALLY worth it.

*Name-brand drugs are not.

*Paying off your credit cards early is essential.

*Skinny jeans don't look good on everyone.

*Shapeless dresses don't look on anyone.

*Funky earrings are where it's at.

*The comfort of a good pair of shoes greatly outweighs how cute you look in those killer heels.

*Don't underestimate the value of cheap rent. Living with more than one person, away from the center of everything, can save you a TON of money.

*Cooking is fun!

*Being negative gets you nowhere. Smile often and don't take things so seriously.

*Scarves make awesome, cheap accessories.

*Sex gets better as you get older.

*Internet withdrawal takes about two days. If you can make it that far, you can make it two months.

*Counter space really is as important as HGTV makes it out to be.

*Living together can wait. The longer you wait, the stronger your relationship will be.

*Respect yourself. If you don't, who will?

7 things I'm glad I didn't do before turning 27

See #6 for explanation

1. Get a real job. Sure, I've been a manager at a retail store, but that was only part time. Yes I've argued in front of judges and interviewed convicted felons behind bars, but I wasn't getting paid for it. I start my first real (read: actually means something to me) job in a little over a week and I'm actually excited. I'm not sure I could've said the same three years ago.
2. Get married*. Or engaged. Or settle down. Or really do anything that would involve having to check someone else's social calendar before making plans, or require me to share the remote with them. There's time for that, people.
3. Have a kid. Boy would that put a damper on my plans to drive all over California and drink wine every weekend for the next 3 years.
   
4. Travel abroad alone. I know that for some people this a cathartic, soul-freeing experience. But I think I'd just be really lonely and upset that I didn't have anyone to share it with. I mean, when you see a hooker dressed like Cher proposition a priest on the streets of Berlin, what do you do? Take a picture? Call your best friend even though it's 4am at home? I'd much rather turn to my travel companion and make a witty remark about believing in life after love...and death.
   
5. Make a purchase more significant than my car. Who needs that kind of debt? Oh wait, I forgot that I already owe close to $100K in student loans...
6. Die. If I have to go early, I want to at least join the 27 Club. And definitely not from death-by-fake-ceiling-collapse.
   
7. Be preoccupied with not having done the preceding things and mope about being too old**. Life is too dang short to whine about what you haven't accomplished or where you thought you'd be. As the cliche goes: life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. TRUTH!!!

*I own this t-shirt. Not kidding.
**This picture has nothing to do with anything but awesomeness.

5 things I'm too old for

I'm turning 27 in a couple of weeks, and really, I'm okay with it. I swear. My only beef with that number is that it's a little strange: you're no longer 24, and therefore can't blame your transgressions on misguided youth; but you're not 30 and no one therefore has the right to ask you when you're having kids. So what is one supposed to be doing at this age if not settling down with a mate and planning a family? If you asked me that question, I'd say, "Living your life to the fullest and being happy." That means a lot of travel, trying new things, and doing all the stuff you didn't have the time (or good sense) to do in your early 20's. Like go to a museum or not spend every weekend drunk.

While 27 is still young enough to spend the occasional night at the club, it's definitely too old (in this humble gal's opinion) for certain things:

1. Cheap shoes. Depending on how fortunate you were growing up, most people start to get sick of attire that falls apart after three wearings. Sure, it's worth it to spend $13 on a top at Forever 21 because, let's not lie, you'll probably try to wear it even after the elastic starts to fade. But shoes? You can't exactly safety pin them back together. And when your heel breaks while walking down the steps of a swanky club, you'll promise yourself never to buy anything from Payless ever again.
2. Staying out all night. I've mentioned before how I can't drink like I used to. Also how much I love my own bed. Combine those facts, and you'll come to the following conclusion: that after the party, I almost always go home. (Almost.)
3. Prposly mispelng wrds n typing thngs like, "omg,lmao i cant believ he sed dat!" Srsly? I'm too old for that nonsense.
   
4. Driving recklessly. I remember a time when I would retaliate if someone tailgated me: I'd move out of their way, then get right behind them and get on their ass. Stupid, I know. Nowadays, I give people the thumbs up sign if they cut me off or flip me the bird. Road rage is not worth the aggravation.
5. Drama. There comes a point in an adult's life when they have to start dealing with shit in a mature way. That means expressing your thoughts and emotions like a rational human being, and not whining and stamping your feet to get your way. Tantrums aren't cute when you're almost 30, and neither are staged acts of attention. In fact, they're embarrassingly transparent and extremely unattractive. If you've resorted to snooping through someone's drawers or humiliating them in public (or worse yet, putting up with that garbage) then it's time to check yourself and your relationships. Self-respect, people! You all deserve it and are capable of having it!!
   

One thing I will never be too old for, however, is a personal sense of style. Don't let anyone tell you that just because you turn 40 you have to cut your hair, or that men over 35 shouldn't wear Chuck Taylors. There's a huge difference between inappropriate and unique.

Some irrational fears

You have some pretty strange ones too, right? I know I'm not the only one. Here goes:

• My fourth grade teacher once said that you should never sleep with your ankles crossed because you could lose circulation in your feet, which could lead to amputation. Seventeen years later, I never keep my ankles crossed for too long.
  
• I am deathly afraid of raw chicken. Whenever I cook with it, I wash every single utensil and cooking accoutrement the second I'm done using it, and the dishrags go right into the laundry.
  
• I never turn the fan on high because I'm afraid it'll spin too fast and fly off the ceiling.
  
• I let towels dry before putting them in the hamper because I'm afraid they'll get moldy if they sit in there too long.
• I try not to wear pointy-toed shoes two nights in a row because I'm afraid my toes will turn inward.
  
• I obsessively check things cooking in the oven to make sure they don't burn.
  
• I have never, not once, ever in my life done any drug other than the mary jane. I am so paranoid that I'll overdose and die that trying anything new just doesn't interest me.
  
• I avoid revolving doors as much as possible because I'm afraid of getting stuck in one.
  

And that about covers it... the ones I'm willing to admit, anyway. What about you? What are your weird/irrational/interesting fears?

Broke, single, and loving it!

It's spring break for my little punks, which means it's spring break for Teacher Danielle as well. Teacher Danielle, however, doesn't get compensated nearly enough for teaching her little punks and is looking for supplemental employment. So while it's technically spring break, my job this week is to look for another job. ::Sigh::

In between selling myself (in the non-illegal, non-naked way), I happened to stumble across a post from Red over at Gingers is the Watchword. She lists 5 Signs You Know You've Been Single Too Long, and I'd like to supplement her post (like I'd like to do with income, BOOYAH!) with a few reasons why being single is totally AWESOME:

1. You don't have to worry about anyone else's social calendar. Seriously, how annoying is it to have to check with someone before committing to plans? It's different when you live with your S.O., because, really, don't you want an evening away from them once in a while? But that whole I-want-to-see-you-this-weekend-but-I'm-not-sure-if-you-want-to-see-me-so-I'll-just-wait-to-see-if-you-call-me-before-I-commit-to-plans-with-my-friends-but-something-tells-me-I'll-end-up-staying-home thing? SO over it.
2. I don't know about you, but I love sleeping alone. The older I get, the more I realize what a luxury it is to sleep in your own bed, undisturbed. And that luxury comes few and far between once you start dating someone seriously. At first it's all cute and cuddly and sweet. But after a while, the "Hold me, honey" turns into "If you don't stop snoring, I will smother you with that decorative pillow." Again, I don't know about you, but I'd prefer my relationships not to end in homicide.
   
3. You save money. Modern society, modern dating rules, right? Sometimes he pays, sometimes she pays, sometimes you split it. But no matter what that "it" is, someone is spending their hard-earned cheese. (And I don't care what anyone says, there's only so many times I'm willing to sit home and watch a movie with my boyfriend before I start hinting at how good the sushi is at Tao.)
   
4. No commitments, no being tied down, you can pick up and leave whenever you want. Let's say you have a supercool job that requires you travel all the time. Or let's say you have an uber-shitty job and you've found a new one across the country. If you have a significant other who is gainfully employed and has no interest in moving to a suburb of Berlin, then chances are you won't be moving to Berlin, either. But if you're single and unattached, then the entire world is at your fingertips. You want to teach English to kids in Vietnam? Go right ahead! You want to work for the Peace Corps and travel around Africa? God speed! Chances are, that person with whom you passed the occasional weekend before you left will still be around when you get back. And if not, there are plenty of people in Australia that would LOVE it if you came to visit. Just sayin'.
5. You don't have to field endless questions from your friends and family about your "new person." Introduce them to ONE friend, take them to ONE wedding, mention their name to ONE cousin and it's all over. First it's questions like, "How's so-and-so, are you bringing him to dinner?" Then later, expect comments like, "So I hear it's getting pretty serious!" and "OMG if we both get engaged this summer, we could have our weddings a month apart!" from all your attached friends. And really, who needs that?

I have been single now for quite some time and I couldn't be happier. I can go on the occasional date and have the occasional drink and not worry about what to get them for their birthdays. I can see Albert on Monday and Barry on Tuesday and Chuck on Wednesday, and they never have to know about each other. And best of all? At the end of the night, I get to kick my heels off in the middle of the floor, remove my makeup with the door open, and crawl into bed wearing my biggest t-shirt, all while NOT wondering what my mother would say if I married someone named Chuck.

Top 10 stories that would be really cool to tell your grandchildren one day

Also, Top 10 things I will probably never get to tell my grandchildren.

(10) I married (and later divorced) this European guy when I was 23 just so he could get a green card. We still send Christmas cards.
(9) When I lived in L.A., I flashed my press credentials to get into a club where Entourage was filming.
(8) I made a million dollars during the recession of 2009.
(7) I bought a house on the beach in San Diego with that million dollars.
(6) I invented Febreze.
(5) I ran into John Stewart at a truck stop in Memphis when I drove from New York to California. He bought me a pastrami sandwich and called Jessica Simpson's singing career "the greatest farce since Elvis' death."
(4) I actually have one more tattoo than you think I do.
(3) I spent a summer in Africa building houses for orphans.
(2) I was in Washington D.C. the day Obama declared the national health care plan.
(1) I met your grandfather on an flight to Costa Rica. I spilled a drink in his lap and a year later, we were married.

I'm hoping that two or three of those will actually be true by the time I have grandchildren. How about you guys? What crazy stories do you hope to one day leave as your legacy?

That's the view from my multimillion dollar mansion in La Jolla. That's me in the lower right hand corner, being escorted by my husband, who just landed a sweet job with Apple. If you look closely, you can see all the sea lions we saved in our spare time.

Five people I would not want to be

(1) The Obamas' future dog. I swear there's been more media coverage on what kind of puppy they're getting than of his economic policy. Do you know what kind of pressure that canine will be under? Stand up straight, don't shit in the Lincoln Bedroom, don't bite the reporters.

(2) Michael Phelps's publicist. Did you get a look at the chick he's dating? She's a waitress as the Palms in Vegas. Enough said.

(3) One of the Duggar kids. Aside from the fact that they quote scripture and don't drink alcohol and, here's why:

• Michelle and Jim Bob (that's his real name) Duggar have 17 kids and are pregnant with their 18th.
  
• They invited a family with 16 children to come stay with their flock for 2 weeks. "I'm used to cooking for so many people, what's 18 more?"
• Their kids wear "modesty swimsuits." I'm pretty sure those are actual Duggar children in the ad.
  
• They went to a place called The Creation Museum. Because that's how much they don't believe in evolution.
  
• Their oldest son is engaged to some 18-year old chick who he can't kiss until he's married to her.

(4) Katie Holmes when she finds out about Tommy Girl's sex dungeon and finally wakes up from her Xenu-induced trance. Something tells me that she and Nicole Kidman will the best of friends in about 8 years. (But Tommy Girl still won't believe in depression.)

(5) Joey Lawrence's wife. Again.... he's gay, right?

Ten and a half things I learned this holiday weekend

(1) There's no such thing as too many carbs at a Thanksgiving dinner.

(2) You can teach anyone the art of "that's what she said." My aunt has both set me up for, and used that line on multiple occasions since learning it on Friday. Now if only I could teach her the art of hitting a bong....

(3) You can buy a cannoli kit at Costco!!!!!!!!! It comes with pre-made shells and two bags of conveniently-packaged filling. I've been a longtime fan of BJ's, that's what she said, and never saw the need to get a Costco membership.... until now.

(4) Newborn babies love boobs. Seriously. I was holding my one-month old cousin, trying to get him to stop crying. No dice. I gave him to my grandma, who still has quite the rack, and after three minutes of being pushed up against those puppies, the kid fell asleep. She handed him back to me so that I could put him in his little vibrating chair and he started wailing. My mammary-gifted cousin took him, and lo and behold, after 5 minutes on her bosom, he was out. Now please, allow me to clarify that I an not challenged in the boob department; I would actually describe them as nothing less than spectacular. But they're apparently not big enough to comfort a screaming baby. I guess all men are the same...

(5) I suck at Dance Dance Revolution. And Wii tennis. Bowling, however....
(5a) Eight kids in one house is OK because it's not in my house.

(6) I love to cook. OK, so this isn't a recent discovery. But making stuffing, cranberry sauce, a raspberry tart and a chocolate cheesecake this weekend has reinforced my culinary passion. I can't wait to use that pastry dough I have in the freezer. That's what she--wait, that doesn't work here.

(7) My 73-year old uncle got a lap dance from a stripper at a bachelor party last week. And it wasn't the first time.

(8) Forgiveness is a powerful thing. (Completely unrelated to the #8, I swear.)

(9) There's something to be said about having a nice big house on Long Island. Four bedrooms, five bathrooms, an office, a den, a playroom, an eat-in kitchen, floor-to-roof windows in the living room, wood-burning stove, big backyard with a trampoline, a soon-to-be-finished attic that will include a fifth bedroom and second office...

(10) Damn I need a job.

"It was THIS big!"
"That's what she said."

Five things my ex-boyfriends should never find out

(1) I use that t-shirt you gave me as an apron.

(2) Remember when I said I threw away my ex's boxers? Well I didn't. They're super comfortable and I still wear them.

(3) My cell phone gets perfect reception upstate, I just didn't feel like talking to you.

(4) You didn't teach me how to drive stick, I learned a long time ago.

(5) That guy in all the pictures from the Motherland... he's not my cousin. And he's the one who taught me how to drive stick.

Things I never thought I'd like

But it turns out I actually do.

Turkish coffee. Being from a Balkan country, Turkish coffee was ALWAYS served in my house. How does it differ from regular coffee, you ask? Well it's basically espresso, but without the fancy machine: you boil sugar and water in a small pot (a cezve) and then add finely ground coffee beans, pour and serve. No filter, no electricity needed. The grinds sink to the bottom and you just avoid the last few sips.

Winter. After doing cartwheels on the beach in California last Christmas, I realized that I would miss the change in seasons if I moved out there. I still despise the fall, though.

Poodles. I always disliked little yippy lap dogs. All they seemed to do was bark shrilly and bite. And they always had designer collars and little coats that I found just ridiculous. I never met a dog smaller than a beagle that I actually liked....until my aunt brought home Cookie. She's a poodle and she is awesome. She's smart, she does tricks, she obeys commands, she doesn't shed, and you can easily bring her places....like the park. And my house. And NOT the grocery store.

Cookie

Long hair. Not since freshman year of college have I had my hair longer than my shoulders. For some reason I always cut it the second it grew past a certain length. This summer I let it grow to just above my boobs and I actually liked it. But last month I cut it all off and regretted it the second the hairdresser took the first snip. ::Tear:: I'm now letting it grow out again.

Garden Gnomes. I can't explain this one. I just really, really like them. I have pictures of them, with them, and I plan on eventually having a (tasteful) garden full of them.

Das ist awesome

Original plots, eh movies

I'm no movie buff. The last "new" movie I saw was Kung Fu Panda and that was on the plane home from Europe. In fact, the only two movies I saw in an actual theater this summer were Sex and the City (loved it) and Indiana Jones (absolutely hated it.) The only movie I regret not seeing was Pineapple Express, and the only movie I'm looking forward to seeing is Quantum of Solace. Like I said, I'm not a movie buff. But I still think I reserve the right to comment on a few films that I hold near and dear to my heart.... films that had pretty original plots, but could've been a lot better:

(1) Sliding Doors. British movie starring Gwenyth Paltrow. Your typical romantic comedy and mediocre acting, but done in a creative way. Parallel stories show what could've happened if Helen had caught the train home on the day she got fired (leading her to catch her boyfriend in bed with another woman, move out, start her own PR business, meet a great guy, but eventually die) or had missed the train (causing her to NOT catch her boyfriend in bed with the American whore, take a crappy job as a waitress, get pregnant, and get hit by a car. But in this version, she lives and ends up meeting the guy she fell in love with in the first version.) It wasn't the best movie I've ever seen, but I thought the whole parallel-story plot was pretty creative.

(2) Face/Off. "I want to take his face....off." Come on, how much better does an action movie get? John Travolta and Nicholas Cage face off (ha!) and literally turn into each other. Show me another movie where they do that.

(3) Disturbia. OK, so it's not the most original plot. It's sort of like Rear Window, in the sense that someone confined to their home watches what goes on in the neighborhood and thinks the dude across the street is killing chicks. But this has a modern spin to it, and is actually pretty funny at times. My favorite thing about the movie is the integration of technology: from the ankle bracelet Shia Labeouf has to wear, to the long distance zoom video cameras, to all the gadgets they use in the movie, it's like James Bond meets Scream, but with far less gore.

(4) Rumor Has It. Not an awful movie, but also not one I'd encourage people to add to their Netflix queue. Jennifer Aniston plays the granddaughter of Mrs. Robinson, THE Mrs. Robinson. After flying to Pasadena for her sister's wedding, the main character learns that her dead mother had an affair with the man who wrote The Graduate right before she married her father, and that the author could in fact be her real father. So she sets out to find him, and then learns that the book (and later the movie) was actually based on a true story--her family's story. Typical awkward Jennifer Aniston humor, which is probably why I somewhat enjoyed the movie. What bothered me the most is that while the movie was released in 2005, it was set in 1996. I understand why they had to do it (because The Graduate came out in 1967 and they couldn't have let 40 years pass since then) but I'm sorry--there's something odd about a movie being set 10 years prior to its release. Nonetheless, I thought it was an original story.

(5) Congo. I actually happen to like this movie a lot and don't think it's bad at all. A group of people find themselves in the Congo for a number of different reasons, and all hell breaks loose. The story involves a talking gorilla, a lost city full of diamonds, an Eastern European hieroglyphics expert obsessed with finding said lost city, African civil unrest, machine guns, and (my favorite part) vicious human-attacking apes that protect the lost city. The scene where the dude walks up to his friend with his own liver in his hand--friggin AWESOME.

Back in the city

So I took the bar exam in July. That was fun. When I recovered from wanting to gouge my eyes out with a pack of index cards, I decided to have a completely different kind of fun. So I packed my bags and set off for the Motherland....the land of wine and food and familiar faces, and a constitution that I would not need to know....the land of pristine Adriatic beaches and towns built in the 1600's and zoning laws that meant nothing to me. For several glorious weeks, I swam in waters bluer than the sky, watched live performances in an arena built in the 1st century AD, and hung out with people who didn't know what "sui generis" meant. It was fantastic.

Aside from a visceral need to escape New York, my other reason for going Home was to oversee the transfer of some of my family's land. Even after it became clear that the property issue would not be resolved in a timely manner (in a Balkan country? I'm shocked!) I decided to stay. And I waited. And nothing happened with the property. So I drank some more wine. Still nothing. Two weeks turned into seven, and before I knew it, my mother was telling people I'd moved to the Motherland. I took that as my cue to come home.

So here I am. Back in New York. The land of Noise and Dirt and all things gentrified. (Although I must admit, eating sushi again is pretty awesome.) Just in case there was any doubt, here's how I know I'm back to my REAL home:

(1) I boarded a plane in Europe listening to fabulous women in scarves speak foreign tongues and watched gorgeous men wearing loafers drape their arms around said fabulous women; I landed at JFK listening to overweight tourists in flip flops complain about how they couldn't get a decent burger in France.

(2) I went out last weekend and got lost on the way home. I called a friend and explained where I was, using phrases like "Sunnaco gas station" and "motel sign that says '$29.99 an hour." A few weeks earlier, I would've said things like, "The cows with the horns, in the field with the pond, by the train tracks" and "The church.....no the other church.... no, the one at the bottom of the hill."

(3) I've done nothing but watch TV on demand and on the internet since I've been home, as compared to making pasta from scratch and carrying buckets of water from a well.

(4) I successfully explained the Jewish holiday of Sukkot to a friend instead of explaining how Jewish people marry Catholic people all the time here in NY, and it's perfectly acceptable.

(5) Yesterday while walking on the Upper East Side, I found myself saying the following into my cell phone: "Wait, so he called his therapist and she said what?" Just a few short weeks ago, I would've found myself saying, "Wait, so which beach are we meeting at, the one where you can fish, or the one we have to walk a mile to get to?"

I suppose it's good to be back. But not really.