How to annoy me/Things I don't understand

ATTENTION LANDLORDS/PROPERTY MANAGERS:

When you post an ad on craigslist for the apartment you're trying to rent without photos, it leads me to two conclusions: a) you're a lazy landlord who doesn't want to waste your time taking and posting pictures; and b) you suck, the apartment sucks, and I shouldn't waste my time going to look at it.

Renting out an apartment is like selling a product. You have to market it, promote its best qualities, and highlight the features. Car companies don't advertise their vehicles by producing ads that say "2010 Honda Civic, $16,000, dealer on Mission Avenue." Likewise, landlords shouldn't advertise their rental units in 20 words or less. When I see a posting that looks like that, I have ZERO desire to contact the landlord, let alone go see the apartment. It makes me think the apartment is so dumpy and awful that posting even one picture would turn renters off. It also gives me a negative first impression of the person I'm writing my rent check to every month. If they can't take the time to put together a proper listing, what happens if I have a gas leak?

Red and I recently had to do the legwork of finding a renter for our house. Here's the ad we posted:

$1595 / 2br - Craftsman House w/ Hardwood Floors and Backyard (North Park ) (map)

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Date: 2010-04-08, 2:21PM PDT
Reply to: hous-pc5ys-1682872021@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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Charming 2-bedroom Craftsman home available for rent June 5th. Enjoy privacy in your own house and fenced-in backyard! Centrally located in North Park and within walking distance of University Avenue, Hillcrest Farmer's Market, Henry's, Albertson's, and plenty of shops and restaurants. Close to Hillcrest, University Heights, Balboa Park, and minutes from Downtown. Nearby freeways: 163, 8, and 805. Cats welcome!

* 2 bedrooms, both with walk-in closets
* 1 bonus room with closet, perfect for an office or den
* 1 large bathroom
* washer and dryer hookups
* kitchen with gas stove and fridge
* huge pantry
* hardwood floors
* built-in bookcases in living room
* built-in buffet in dining room
* tons of storage space
* large front porch
* fenced-in backyard
* INCLUDED: landscaping, water, and trash pick-up

If you're interested, please call Danielle @ XXX.XXX.XXXX

OR.....

OPEN HOUSE: We've had so much interest in the house that we've decided to have an open house. SATURDAY, APRIL 10, 1-3pm. XXXX Lincoln Avenue

Property managed by Heritage Property Consulting.

• cats are OK - purrr
• Location: North Park
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1682872021




We posted this ad last Thursday and had a lease signed by Monday. The ad below has been up since April 7th.

$1400 / 3br - House in Great Central Location (City Heights/North Park)

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Date: 2010-04-07, 12:01PM PDT
Reply to: see below

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Nice & updated private 3 bedroom house
Borders North Park, 1 bath, flexible lease, washer/dryer hookups, refrig, stove, fenced yard
$1200 security deposit
Available now
Call 858-547-9188


Just sayin'.

How to annoy me, alley edition

The alleyway is a new concept for me. Aside from college, I've never lived on a block that had an alley in (on?) it. And even in college, the alley was 10 floors down and on the other side of the building. So moving into a house that is not only directly on the alley, but having my bed mere feet from it, is a bit disconcerting. I'm not used to hearing the whispered conversations of couples that walk past my window at all hours of the night, or the loud cell phone conversations, or the barking dogs, or loud diesel truck engines at 4am, or the bums with shopping carts that troll the garbage cans on trash day. No, I'm not used to all that noise. And I don't like it. Some might even say it annoys me.

That front corner of the house right there, that's where my bed is. See how long that alleyway is? Do you know how many cars drive up and down that alley every day? Many.

How to annoy me

Stand outside my bedroom window calling my name at 6:05 IN THE MORNING. I understand you forgot your keys, but damn! I had to be up at 6:45 so you know I didn't fall back asleep.

How to annoy me, Queens edition

Step 1*: Let your child scream "Mommy!" in such a desperate, pitiful way and for such a long time, that I think a kid is being attacked in my yard and finally call the police.

Step 2: Let your million-decibel house alarm go off SIX TIMES at 1 o'clock in the morning.

Step 3: Light plastic or other man-made materials on fire, causing a vomit-inducing smell that permeates every room of every house on the block. Thanks for the lung damage!

*Please note that any one of these steps will sufficiently annoy me and all three need not be completed unless attempting to induce maximum and homicidal annoyance.

FINALLY!

I mentioned last week that someone (ahem...Nona....ahem) woke me up on Friday at 6:30am. Why? Because the plumber was supposed to come and fix a leak in our bathroom, and 6:30 is apparently a reasonable time to begin preparing for such an event.

For those of you who don't know me personally, let me give you some insight into my living situation: home is a two-family house in Queens, the house where I've lived for my entire life. Mom and I are on the first floor, while Nona lives upstairs. Nona grew up with 8 brothers and sisters and no bathroom, so she consequently has no sense of personal boundaries. She often does things like walk in on you while you're in the shower to ask if you want soup. And call you at 6:30 in the morning to tell you the side door is locked and she can't get into your apartment, and oh my God, the plumber is coming and she NEEDS to be there because clearly I'm not capable of listening for a doorbell. At 6:30 in the morning. Because that's when plumbers typically begin work: before sunrise. Did I mention this was at 6:30am? No? Well it was actually 6:26.

The point of the story isn't to call my grandmother out on her annoying habits (although I could dedicate a blog entirely to that subject.) The point of this story to inform everyone that IT has begun. The IT that this house has been anticipating for decades. The IT that began with painting my room, the IT that required my mom to refinance her mortgage (4.625% APR, holla!), the IT that will increase the resale value of this property by at least 10%. Yes my friends, RENOVATION IN THE DSB HOUSEHOLD HAS FINALLY BEGUN!!



We're starting with just a few minor repairs in the bathroom. We'd love to get rid of that 1990's baby blue theme, but we're sticking to fixing some leaks and replacing the floor. The rest will have to come later.

First on the list: pulling up the seafoam green carpet that's been gracing my bedroom floor since 1992 and putting down some awesome bamboo flooring.

Second: the kitchen. Gutting it completely. Kocking down walls, pulling up tile, and installing brand new cabinets, countertops, and appliances. New lighting. New kitchen table. (And a wine fridge!)

Third: the living room. Installing some built-ins with a fireplace, and lighting. We have new hardwood floors and modern furniture, but the 1970's wall unit and some other accessories remain. Like this thing:

And that mirror. I hate that mirror. That mirror has been in the living room since I was born and it needs to go. Anyone interested in purchasing it? I'm dead serious.

If there are any funds left over, we'll focus on getting rid of the baby blue in the bathroom. It's perfectly functional, but it's just so....blue.

Mom and I are off to pick up the bamboo flooring this afternoon. Once it's installed, those pictures I promised back in January will finally be posted. I can't tell you how happy I am to finally be getting rid of this:

How to annoy me, sunrise edition

Call me at 6:30 in the morning. FOR ANY REASON AT ALL.

Next time that happens, you better be standing outside my bedroom door so I can body check you and go back to sleep.

How to annoy me, Hollywood edition

Ask me one more time if I have that copy of "The Case of the Curious George Button." Even better, tell me that Kate Winslet is the star of "Private Practice," or that Ben Afleck is married to Jennifer Connelly, or that Colin Ferguson hosts a late night talk show on CBS. In your world, does Val Kilmer star in "24'? Even if he did, I'm sure you'd call him Jimmy Kimmel. GET YOUR PROPER NOUNS STRAIGHT, WOMAN!



**Side note: why does Curious George look like he only has one eye in this picture?

How to annoy me*

This installment of "How to annoy me" will be told in story form because THAT'S HOW ANNOYED I AM.

As you learned in this post, I love to read. It's hands-down my favorite pastime. So I was super excited when my mom gave me a $50 Barnes & Noble gift card for Christmas. FIFTY DOLLARS!! That I could spend on BOOKS!! See all the exclamation points?! That's how happy I was!!

I even had a great plan: I would go to Barnes & Noble and check out all the new books, write down the titles of the ones I wanted, then go to bn.com and find them for less. Brilliant, right?

WRONG. Only certain books are actually cheaper online, and only by a few cents. You can find them for way cheaper by selecting the "find used" option, but you still have to pay for shipping--about $4 per book. Which is sometimes more expensive than the actual book.

So basically I just spent $34 on books, and another $20 on shipping.

Barnes & Noble, I don't care how much fun I had working for you back in college. I think I am now officially a Border's fan. I signed up for their membership card at the airport in Cincinnati last year, so I might as well use it. Not only are their prices better, but I hear you can use their gift cards on Amazon--something that will surely save me money. And THAT is something that Mr. Barnes and Mr. Noble seem to frown upon.

*It seems fitting that my 100th post is about how to annoy me.

How to annoy me

Tempt me to say yes when you know I should say no.

It's a good thing my mother raised me right.

How to REALLY annoy me

Call me at 6:30pm and ask me if I can come with you to the doctor's office in the morning. Tell me the appointment is at 9am on East 61st Street and that you want me at your house at 7am. (Because it takes 2 hours to drive across the 59th Street Bridge.) Call me 6 times to make sure I got up on time, didn't fall back asleep, left on time, and that I was on my way. (Because at 26 years old and after 8 years of college, law school and jobs that required me to appear in front of a judge, I don't know how to be on time.) Bitch when I get to your house at 7:30 like I said I would. Yell at every car, complain about the traffic, and comment on the ethnicity of every driver on the road. (Because it's the Greek woman's fault that there's traffic on Queens Blvd., not the fact that you chose to drive into Manhattan during rush hour.) Arrive at the doctor's office at 8:30am, a full 30 minutes before your appointment and the nurses. Inform me at 10am that your tests will take 5 hours and that we won't be leaving until 2pm.

I put Dookie by Green Day on in the car on the way home and screamed along at the top of my lungs. BECAUSE I WAS IN THAT GOOD OF A MOOD.

How to annoy me

Hover over me while I'm cooking, remind me when something needs to be taken off the flame, and tell me it would be better if I did it "this way."

Take the celery out of my hand ONE MORE TIME and I will slap you with it.

How to annoy me

Tell me one more time that NYC's water supply is one of the cleanest in the world.

Right. Which is why we've had a Britta since the 1990's.

How to annoy me

Let the seltzer bottle explode when you open it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

After 50+ years of life on this earth, many of them spent opening carbonated beverages, how have you not yet learned how to open a bottle of club soda?

How to annoy me

Leave the dishes arranged in such a way that they all collapse in the dish rack at 1 o'clock in the morning, causing me to think there's an intruder in the house and walk out into the hallway armed with a can of air freshener and prayer that I won't be raped or killed.

How to annoy me

Take a show off the air without any warning or information about if it's coming back. Wtf, CBS?

How to annoy me

Tell me I look "healthy" and that Europe really "suits" me.

Yes fuckers, I know I didn't lose those 5 pounds like I was supposed to. That's a little hard to do when the family you're staying with eats 4 times a day and makes things like plum-filled gnocchi with butter and sugar breadcrumbs on top, spaghetti carbonara with pancetta and truffles, and crepes with Nutella. And did I mention the fresh eggs and homemade cheese and sausages and prosciutto? Oh I didn't? Well good, more for me.

And no, the motherland isn't Italy.

How to annoy me

Ask me to drop something off at 9:30 on a Wednesday night (and bring you ice cream on the way home) and then tell me it's perfectly OK to leave the house in sweatpants from 2003, clogs and no bra.

I have boundaries.