Happy New Year, Interwebs!

Me: Hi Internet, how are you?! It's been so long! 

Internet: Oh. Hi. Yeah, it has been a long time. 

Awkward pause.

Me: Soo... how've you been? What' new?

Internet: Fine. Nothing. 

Awkward silence. 

Me: Um, well... how was your holiday? 

Internet: Fine. 

Me: Internet, are you mad at me?

Internet: No. 

Me: Are you sure? Because you seem mad.

Internet: Why would I be mad? I mean it's not like you just up and disappeared for six months without telling anyone.

Me: Internet, I'm sorry. I really am. It was a crazy time. 

Internet: Whatever. 

Me: I really am sorry. It's just that work got so crazy and summer kicked my butt with all the gatherings and friends, and then I went away on that business trip, and then work got crazy again... Then it just sort of got too late to get back in touch. I felt funny randomly popping back up again after so long, ya know? You know how that goes, don't you Internet? 

Internet: Ugh. I guess. Whatever. 

Me: Do you forgive me, Internet? 

Internet: Fine. Whatever. I guess. 

Awkward pause. 

Internet: Hey.

Me: Hi. 

Internet: It's good to have you back. I missed you. 

Me: Aaw, thanks, Internet. It's good to be back. I missed you, too. 

Why my relationship works

Scene: Rad Boyfriend and I are discussing plans for tonight via the gChat.

RB: I have to help a friend with some computer stuff after work today. So maybe 8pm?
Me, grumbling silently to myself: That's way too late to eat dinner, I'll be starving by 6. No way we'll make it through the whole movie.
Me, to RB: Baby, I would wait forever for you. But if you can make it any earlier than 8, I would greatly appreciate it.

I can't argue with that

Boss's wife: So what were you for Halloween?
Me: Uma Thurman from Pulp Fiction. I had a syringe sticking out of chest and blood coming out of my nose and a black wig. It was pretty cool.
Other attorney in office: I love it!! Did you carry around bags of heroin too?
Me: Nah. I thought that given the profession I've chosen to embark upon, that might not be appropriate.
Other attorney: Oh, so.... coke?

One of those rare moments when it makes perfect sense after the fact

Regarding the neighbors' cat

Me: What color was it?
Rad Boyfriend: I dunno, cat-colored.
Me: Like orange?
RB: No. Like.... dark.
Me: Black?
RB: Eehhhh... no, not exactly.
Me: So brown?
RB: Ya sure, it had brown it in.

The next day, said cat walks past us on the walkway.

RB: See? Cat-colored!
Me: Oooohh... yeah, I see what you mean now.

He knows me too well

Steve: I've got the utmost faith in your ability to do whatever it takes to get constant access to lobster tacos

Awkward

Me: Speaking of dreams, I had one about Mike Rowe last night.
My mother: Haha, really? Was he doing one of his dirty jobs?
Me: Well.... um.... actually.....in a manner of speaking, I guess you could say he was.
My mother: Huh? Pause. Oooohhhh......

Gmail chat conversations: I'm so hood

2:30 PM Steve: this is the legal secretary one?

me: i prefer legal assistant

::brushing my shoulder off::

2:31 PM Steve: did you pop your collar too?me: while leaning back

Steve: nice

On having kids you can't fool

Scene: Four girls in their mid-twenties are talking about an upcoming bachelorette trip and the debauchery that will likely take place while away. One of the girls makes an off-color remark about the degree to which she will party on said trip, but quickly tries to correct herself as she realizes a nine-year-old boy is the room. Nine-year-old boy makes the following knowing remark:

"Nuh-uh, that's not what you said! There's no such thing as a corn star!"

Light-emitting stars of David

While driving through Park Slope, Brooklyn

MRR: Is that an LED menorah?
Z-man: Yes it is.
MRR: Ooouu that's not Kosher.

I've taught her well

Me, trying desperately to open a stubborn bottle of wine: Sometimes you just gotta put it between your legs and pull.
Aunt: That's what she said!
Mom: Oh my God Danielle, why did you teach her that?
Me: Hey, it's not my fault she's a quick study. I said it once, and all of a sudden she was throwing it around like a pro.
Aunt: That's what she said, that's what she said!!

Thanks. I think?

Scene: Cousin and I are talking about a guy I recently met.

Me: But she says he always goes for girls who need fixing, the wounded birds.
Cousin: Oh well then he definitely wouldn't like you.
Me: Gee, thanks!
Cousin: No, I mean because you're not a wounded bird. You're an eagle. An eagle that soars. Soaring motion with hand.

Not unless your parents named you Adolf

Mother, calling down the hallway: I got boy's striped pajamas!
Me: What?
Mother, holding out a DVD: Look!
Me: You mean The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, the holocaust movie?
Mother: Oh, is that what it's about?
Me: Yes.
Pause
Mother: Well then I guess I shouldn't sound so excited about it, huh?

Haven't you learned anything?

N: Did you show Nona the picture of the house?
Me: No, I'm not going up there. You don't poke the bear. You wait until the bear pokes you.

**Not my Nona

Conversations with my Italian dentist

My dentist of 20 years: You should go to business school. You'd be a CPA with a law degree, like my brother. He does my taxes and keeps me out of jail at the same time.
Me: Really? What have you been claiming that you shouldn't be, Doctor?
Dentist: No, that's just it--he tells me what NOT to claim! Every year he looks at my receipts and records and is like, "You can't claim this, you can't claim this, you DEFINITELY can't claim that...."
Me: And this is why I have Jewish people do my taxes.

Lost in translation

So my aunt and grandmother and I are sitting around the kitchen table last evening. My aunt and I, in English, are talking about how the heat gives us dry skin in the winter. My grandmother, who's 80 and doesn't really speak much English, says something that has nothing to do with the conversation. So in our native tongue, I explain to her that I have a dry goat.

Yup, you read that correctly. Because the words for "skin" and "goat" sound very similar in our language, I explained that my itchy back was due to an arid.....goat. (I don't know any euphemisms for goats, do you?)

A disgusting way to make a very good point

J: Where did she get it?
Me: She bought it off eBay.
J: Ewwww, she bought a nightstand off eBay?!
Me: Why "eewww," it's a piece of furniture.
J: Do you know what kind of nasty shit people keep in their bedside tables? You better tell her to scrub that shit down with some extra strength Clorox before she uses it!

3am insomnia

Me: Dude, he had hootchie mama chichis all up in his face. And I'm not--
Steve: Wait wait wait, hold on a second. Can we pause for a minute and reflect on the fact that you just said "hootchie mama chichis all up in his face"? The only way that could've been better is if you said "hootchie mama chichis all up in his grill."
Me: Let's pretend that's what I said when I blog about this tomorrow.

While putting up the Christmas tree

Mom: You wanna come with me to buy some new ornaments?
Me: Sure. Can we get some blue and purple ones?
Mom: Those aren't very Christmasy.
Me: Yeah. But they're Jewishy.
Mom: Well so far we're not Jewish.

Or a week away from my family

"You look like you need Valium."
"Welcome to my life."

Tony Soprano lives! I never stopped believin'!

While sitting in a doctor's office waiting room full of older folk

Nurse to patient: Mrs. Campanella, you can come back with me now. Mr. Campanella, I'm afraid you'll have to wait here, there isn't much room back there.
Patient: Aw, you mean he don't get to come wit me?
Patient's husband: I don't wannna sit witchyou anyways. [Scans the waiting room for an open seat.] Why would I wanna sit witchyou when I could sit next to this gorgeous thing right here. [Walks over and sits down next to me.] Hey beautiful. Come here often?

He then flashed me his pinky ring and asked me to meet him and his friend Joey Boombatz down at the Bada Bing. I briefly considered it until he told me he meant the Bada Bing in Jersey.

Also, this is hilarious.