Awkward

Me: Speaking of dreams, I had one about Mike Rowe last night.
My mother: Haha, really? Was he doing one of his dirty jobs?
Me: Well.... um.... actually.....in a manner of speaking, I guess you could say he was.
My mother: Huh? Pause. Oooohhhh......

There is nothing hot about Russell Brand. And yet....

Strange celebrity crushes. We all have them. There's at least one famous person out there whom you think is hot/cute/so ridiculously good-looking that you would shag them upon sight--but who would also cause you endless hours of ridicule if anyone ever found out about your obsession. Okay, so hopefully you're not jonesin' on Richard Simmons. But maybe you have a little thing for Rod Blagojevich? Oprah? Brian Austin Green?

There are a few people in my closet of celebrities I have a thing for, and I'm not ashamed to reveal them. (Well, most of them.) Here goes:

Jesse James. The tattoos, the muscles, that shit-eating smirk....swoon. I guess every girl likes a bad boy.

Mike Rowe. I've mentioned my obession with Mr. Mike Rowe several times on this website. It's no secret. But it IS a litlte strange. First of all, he's pushing 50. Second of all, he crawls into slimy claustrophobia-inducing spaces for a living. But there's something about his self-deprecating, witty humor that really does it for me.

Seth Rogan. I've always said that what I look for in a man goes something like this: first, you have to make laugh. If you can, then show me that you're smart, that what you're joking about is witty and intelligent. Then come the looks--not super important, but you have to be attractive. Seth Rogan is the perfect embodiment of that template: he's one of the funniest people on the planet, he's clearly brainy, and since he's been getting healthy, he's not that bad on the eyes.

Keith Olbermann. I want to marry this man and have 10,000 of his liberal babies.



Who's your weird celebrity crush? And are you brave enough to admit it to the Internet?

Forty-what? I could DEFINITELY get over that

My mom and I share a mutual obsession with the very hot, very dirty Mr. Mike Rowe. He's cute, he's smart, he's ambitious, and he's not afraid to tackle a pig while shimmying down a sewer pipe. I mean, what more could a woman ask for?

Today just happens to be Mr. Mike Rowe's birthday. I won't tell you his age, because that makes my crush on him just a little creepy. But I will share this ridiculously sexy picture of him.


Happy birthday, Mike Rowe. Is there a dirty job I can do for you today?

I'd serve sushi and start the evening off with some Saki bombs

I don't watch the news enough. I know this because as I was trying to think of 10 people I'd like to invite to dinner, I couldn't come up with any important female figures. Seriously. I had Ellen Degeneres and Madeline Albright. That's pretty pathetic. I know very little about world news and politics to begin with; I just wasn't born with that "need to know what's going on everywhere, all the time" gene. And ever since my iGoogle homepage started asking me to enter a password every time I clicked on it, I've started going directly to Gmail and skipping the BBC and CNN headlines. Add that to the fact that I don't really watch TV on an actual TV anymore, and you have someone who gets most of her news from her mom (her very smart mom, but albeit her mom) and can't think of any women to put on her dinner guest list aside from Oprah. I should be ashamed of myself.

But hey, I make up for it other ways. Like speaking three languages and knowing the capital of Dijbouti. (It's Dijbouti.) Also, I make a mean cheesecake and can decorate the shit out of your living room. How many news junkies can say that?! And despite not knowing anything about the World Bank of China, I think I can still put together a decent dinner guest list:


Ellen Degeneres. I know, I know. Ellen probably won't have time to attend my dinner party because she'll be busy attending everyone else's. But I can't help it if I (and the rest of the world) think she's awesome. She's smart, funny, humble, and she dances!

Craig Furgeson. I have had a crush on this man for far longer than is appropriate for a Scottish late night talk show host. His accent, his humor, his height.... I'm certain he'd make for a very entertaining evening.

Joss Whedon. This man is truly brilliant. He's the perfect cross between high school Magic Card geek, and million-dollar idea man. I'd love to pick his brain about how he comes up with such interesting, creative story lines. I can't stand sci-fi anything, yet he had me watching old episodes of Buffy on VHS like it was my job in college. AND he has me watching Dollhouse. That is talent, my friend.

Bill Maher. Every time I make one of these lists, I put Bill Maher on it because we share a lot of the same political views and both think Anne Coulter is the Queen of all Cunts. But then I realize he'd get really annoying after about 30 minutes of discrediting everyone's views. So I've come up with a compromise, a condition of sorts: Bill can't come to dinner unless he's really, really high. He has to be lucid enough to have a meaningful discussion about gay rights, but mellow enough to not accuse Ellen of trying to have a threesome with Oprah and Gayle.

Clive Owen. I like his accent. And he's really fun to look at. Plus I'd like to ask him how it feels being sex personified.

Mike Rowe. Mr. Dirty Jobs is the perfect mix of self-deprecating humor, humbleness, and pure man. He's the only person I know who can shave a pig while eloquently describing the texture of the swine's skin and the aroma eminating from the barn. My only request is that he shower before sitting down to eat.

Kate Winslet. And not just because she won an Oscar the other night. I've always admired her and think she's an incredibly real woman. She's classically beautiful and doesn't seem to let the media define her as a person. And, like everyone else on this list, she's funny.

Joe Buck. I know even less about sports than I do about world news. But I saw Joe Buck on an episode of Conan one time and absolutely fell in love. He exudes just the right amount of arrogance and self-importance to add a touch of class to the party. Plus, no one else I've invited really seems that interested in sports, so he wouldn't hijack the conversation.

Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow. They come as a pair, and I don't think I have to explain their presence at this dinner. I would seat then directly across from Bill Maher and gladly excuse them to take as many trips out onto the deck as they like. I may even join them if this guest list totally backfires and everyone starts hitting on Kate Winslet.