Awkward

Me: Speaking of dreams, I had one about Mike Rowe last night.
My mother: Haha, really? Was he doing one of his dirty jobs?
Me: Well.... um.... actually.....in a manner of speaking, I guess you could say he was.
My mother: Huh? Pause. Oooohhhh......

Top 10 stories that would be really cool to tell your grandchildren one day

Also, Top 10 things I will probably never get to tell my grandchildren.

(10) I married (and later divorced) this European guy when I was 23 just so he could get a green card. We still send Christmas cards.
(9) When I lived in L.A., I flashed my press credentials to get into a club where Entourage was filming.
(8) I made a million dollars during the recession of 2009.
(7) I bought a house on the beach in San Diego with that million dollars.
(6) I invented Febreze.
(5) I ran into John Stewart at a truck stop in Memphis when I drove from New York to California. He bought me a pastrami sandwich and called Jessica Simpson's singing career "the greatest farce since Elvis' death."
(4) I actually have one more tattoo than you think I do.
(3) I spent a summer in Africa building houses for orphans.
(2) I was in Washington D.C. the day Obama declared the national health care plan.
(1) I met your grandfather on an flight to Costa Rica. I spilled a drink in his lap and a year later, we were married.

I'm hoping that two or three of those will actually be true by the time I have grandchildren. How about you guys? What crazy stories do you hope to one day leave as your legacy?

That's the view from my multimillion dollar mansion in La Jolla. That's me in the lower right hand corner, being escorted by my husband, who just landed a sweet job with Apple. If you look closely, you can see all the sea lions we saved in our spare time.

State of the unconscious

So I've mentioned before that I have very vivid, very strange dreams. Sometimes they make sense, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes the dreams have a theme and central plot line and play out like a movie, and other times it's just a bunch of random scenes stitched together by my wild subconscious. On occasion, I dream about famous people. And most recently, I've been dreaming about Barack Obama. A lot. Like more than a normal person should dream about their president.

I don't know where this all came from, but ever since the election, I've had probably about 2-4 dreams per month about him. And you know what? Even in my dreams, he's a perfect gentleman. He says please and thank you, opens doors, and lets women go first. I find that man so respectful, so genuine and honest, that in the first dream I ever had about him, he made it very clear that he was married and that nothing could ever happen between us. And that theme has pretty much continued throughout the dreams, making every one of them PG-rated. (Lame, I know.) In last night's dream, we were on a weekend trip for which he needed a date, and naturally he chose me. We were staying a huge house in the mountains where he was giving a speech. We stepped out onto the deck, his right hand waving to the crowd, his left hand on my back, guiding me forward. Amidst the cheering crowd, he leaned in and said, "You look lovely." And the only thing going through my mind was, "Too bad he's married."

WHAT?! Who dreams up stuff like that?! Only me. Only in my subconscious would I be on a weekend getaway with the President of the United States and repeatedly remind myself of his moral character and that he would never be unfaithful to his wife. That either makes me the hugest Obama supporter ever, or my mind is trying to tell me never to have an affair with the President. Odd that this wasn't ever a problem before...


....Actually, that makes perfect sense.

....And then all of a sudden I stopped the priest and shouted out, "He slept with your mother!"

I have very vivid dreams. Anyone who knows me has been regaled with an interesting re-telling of my unconscious thoughts on more than one occasion. I dream about people I know, people on TV, dead relatives, people I haven't seen in years. I dream about school, work, upcoming events, places I've visited, and places I've never been to. If I had a dream journal, it would be Hollywood's guide for ridiculous and far-out plot lines. For instance:

Last night I had a dream about the characters from "The Office." I dreamed that Michael was out of the office, and Jim and Pam were dressed like 1970's disco queens and babysitting the Indian kids from Slumdog Millionaire. The end of the dream featured a gay man trying to be assertive and dominant (a-la Cesar Millan) over his hairless dog in the bathroom of an L.A. condo. Tracy Jordan from "30 Rock" made an appearance at some point, and I think someone made cupcakes.

Picture having dreams like this one 4 times a night, every night of your life. Welcome to my subconscious.