Completely unfounded predictions by a totally unqualified blogger

I was just reading the Golden Globe nominations and realized that I haven't seen a single movie that's up for an award. (Except Pineapple Express and Kung Fu Panda, but I don't think they count.) In fact, I hadn't even HEARD of most of the films nominated. So I went on IMDB to check out some trailers and, based only on 2-minute clips, have decided to predict who will win each Motion Picture category. As for the TV categories, I've seen most of the shows so I feel slightly more competent to predict the winners in those categories. This should be some sort of documented social experiment....

BEST MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
The Reader (2nd pick)
Revolutionary Road
Slumdog Millionaire (3rd pick)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
Anne Hathaway - Rachel Getting Married (3rd pick)
Angelina Jolie - Changeling
Meryl Streep - Doubt
Kristin Scott Thomas - I've Loved You So Long (2nd pick)
Kate Winslet - Revolutionary Road

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - DRAMA
Leonardo DiCaprio - Revolutionary Road
Frank Langella - Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn - Milk
Brad Pitt - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (3rd pick)
Mickey Rourke - The Wrestler (2nd pick)

BEST MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Burn After Reading
Happy-Go-Lucky
In Bruges (2nd pick)
Mamma Mia!
Vicky Cristina Barcelona (3rd pick)

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Rebecca Hall - Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2nd pick)
Sally Hawkins - Happy Go Lucky
Frances McDormand - Burn After Reading
Meryl Streep - Mamma Mia!
Emma Thompson - Last Chance Harvey

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE - COMEDY OR DRAMA
Javier Bardem - Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Colin Farrell - In Bruges
James Franco - Pineapple Express
Brendan Gleeson - In Bruges (2nd pick)
Dustin Hoffman - Last Chance Harvey

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM
Bolt
Kung Fu Panda (2nd pick)
Wall-E

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
The Baader Meinhof Complex
Everlasting Moments (3rd pick)
Gomorrah
I've Loved You So Long (2nd pick)
Waltz With Bashir

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Amy Adams - Doubt (2nd pick)
Penelope Cruz - Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis - Doubt
Marisa Tomei - The Wrestler
Kate Winslet - The Reader

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A MOTION PICTURE
Tom Cruise - Tropic Thunder
Robert Downey Jr. - Tropic Thunder (3rd pick)
Ralph Fiennes - The Duchess
Philip Seymour Hoffman - Doubt (2nd pick)
Heath Ledger - The Dark Knight

BEST DIRECTOR - MOTION PICTURE
Danny Boyle - Slumdog Millionaire
Stephen Daldry - The Reader
David Fincher -The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard - Frost/Nixon (2nd pick)
Sam Mendes - Revolutionary Road

BEST SCREENPLAY - MOTION PICTURE
Simon Beaufoy - Slumdog Millionaire (2nd pick)
David Hare - The Reader
Peter Morgan - Frost/Nixon
Eric Roth - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
John Patrick Shanley -Doubt

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Dexter (2nd pick)
House
In Treatment
Mad Men
True Blood

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Sally Field - Brothers and Sisters
Mariska Hargitay - Law and Order: SVU
January Jones - Mad Men (2nd pick)
Anna Paquin - True Blood
Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – DRAMA
Gabriel Byrne – In Treatment
Michael C. Hall - Dexter (2nd pick)
Jon Hamm - Mad Men
Hugh Laurie - House
Jonathan Rhys Meyers - The Tudors

BEST TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
30 Rock
Californication (2nd pick)
Entourage
The Office (3rd pick)
Weeds

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A TELEVISION SERIES –COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Christina Applegate - Samantha Who? (2nd pick)
America Ferrere - Ugly Betty
Tina Fey - 30 Rock
Debra Messing - The Starter Wife (3rd pick)
Mary-Louise Parker - Weeds

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A TELEVISION SERIES – COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Alec Baldwin - 30 Rock (2nd pick)
Steve Carell - The Office
Kevin Connolly - Entourage
David Duchovny - Californication
Tony Shalhoub - Monk

BEST MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
A Raisin in the Sun
Bernard and Doris
Cranford
John Adams
Recount

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Judi Dench - Cranford
Catherine Keener - An American Crime
Laura Linney - John Adams
Shirley Maclaine - Coco Chanel
Sunan Sarandon - Bernard and Doris

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Ralph Fiennes - Bernard and Doris (2nd pick)
Paul Giamatti - John Adams
Kevin Spacey - Recount
Kiefer Sutherland - 24: Redemption
Tom Wilkinson - Recount

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Eileen Atkins - Cranford
Laura Dern - Recount
Melissa George - In Treatment
Rachel Griffiths - Brothers and Sisters
Dianne Weist - In Treatment

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE IN A SERIES, MINI-SERIES OR MOTION PICTURE MADE FOR TELEVISION
Neil Patrick Harris - How I Met Your Mother (2nd pick)
Denis Leary - Recount
Jeremy Piven - Entourage
Blair Underwood - In Treatment
Tom Wilkinson - John Adams

I left my own personal opinions and biases out of these guesses. If it were up to me, The Reader would win best motion picture, In Bruges would win best comedy, Brad Pitt would disappear to France to have more babies, and Tom Cruise would be knocked over the head with a shovel while accepting his fake award for best supporting actor in Tropic Thunder. Seriously, was that nomination some sort of joke? Was he even in the movie for more than five minutes? New rule: in order to get nominated for a role in a feature-length motion picture, you must ACT in the film for a total time of no less than ONE HOUR. Also, you can't make your wife into a Stepford robot or belong to a religion that doesn't believe in depression. Discovery of his Scientology sex dungeon in 3, 2, 1.....

Five people I would not want to be

(1) The Obamas' future dog. I swear there's been more media coverage on what kind of puppy they're getting than of his economic policy. Do you know what kind of pressure that canine will be under? Stand up straight, don't shit in the Lincoln Bedroom, don't bite the reporters.

(2) Michael Phelps's publicist. Did you get a look at the chick he's dating? She's a waitress as the Palms in Vegas. Enough said.

(3) One of the Duggar kids. Aside from the fact that they quote scripture and don't drink alcohol and, here's why:

• Michelle and Jim Bob (that's his real name) Duggar have 17 kids and are pregnant with their 18th.
  
• They invited a family with 16 children to come stay with their flock for 2 weeks. "I'm used to cooking for so many people, what's 18 more?"
• Their kids wear "modesty swimsuits." I'm pretty sure those are actual Duggar children in the ad.
  
• They went to a place called The Creation Museum. Because that's how much they don't believe in evolution.
  
• Their oldest son is engaged to some 18-year old chick who he can't kiss until he's married to her.

(4) Katie Holmes when she finds out about Tommy Girl's sex dungeon and finally wakes up from her Xenu-induced trance. Something tells me that she and Nicole Kidman will the best of friends in about 8 years. (But Tommy Girl still won't believe in depression.)

(5) Joey Lawrence's wife. Again.... he's gay, right?

No license? No problem, mon!

I think everything about this ad screams "good lawyer," don't you? The confederate Jamaican flag belt buckle, the droptop, the bling. I mean, who wouldn't want to hire an attorney named P Ta?

I stared at this advertisement for a good 3 or 4 minutes, trying to decide if it was real. After a few minutes of internet research, I determined that Mr. Mon does in fact hold himself out as an attorney. Whether he's actually licensed to practice we'll never know. But it begs two questions: where did this guy go to law school? And 2) where does he practice?

After finding out that 225 is the area code for Louisiana, it all made sense. Sort of like 5 years from now when we find out that Tom Cruise's "Scientology Center" is really a sex dungeon.

I never thought about it. But now that I have, I sort of agree

Because the Internet is a wonderful and magical place (and also because I'm a huge celebrity gossip whore) I tend to find a lot of interesting [read: useless] stuff on the Interwebs. For instance, did you know that Spender Pratt and Heidi Montag got married last week? What's that? You don't know who they are? Wait, you don't care? Me neither!! But I still know about it thanks to Perez Hilton, and that has to count for something.

I justify my hourly checking of those silly websites by reminding myself that for every 10 useless nuggets of information about Brad Pitt's hair, there is usually something about a man marrying his goat or a large woman taking a tumble that's worth checking out. Every so often I stumble across something that makes me go, "Wow. They really said that/shot that out of their mouth." At which point I either pass it along to my friends in an email, or I post it here and share it with you guys. (You should feel lucky when I choose the latter, as it takes a lot more work. You're welcome.)

So this morning, as I was blog-checking and site-stalking, I came across this article about Nicole Kidman and her new movie, Australia. Now before you read it, you should know two things: first, I don't hate Nicole Kidman. I think she's a lovely lady who came under the wicked spell of an evil genius until she was dropped like a french fry at an inner city McDonald's. Second, my reaction to this article was much like the reaction I had to Wanda Sykes announcing she's gay: I cocked my head to the side, put one hand on my hip and wagged my finger with the other while saying, "Huh. Come to think of it, that makes perfect sense." Here's a little of what the article had to say about Nic:

"She can't act. Instead, she drifts around films like a lost porcelain doll, looking frozen, brittle and vapid, staring at the camera with her oh-golly-look-how-I'm-looking-interesting blue eyes."

Hehehe. Enjoy.

Burning questions the internet can't answer

Where is Springfield?

How did Tina Fey get her scar? No one knows.

Is Joey Lawrence gay? Whoa.

How many licks does it take to the get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? And why did the 69 Boyz turn it into a dance? The world may never know.

How did Tom Cruise turn into such a douchebag?

How is alcohol legal but pot isn't?

What was the deal with Wilson always covering his mouth?

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?!?!