STILL NOT FOUND

I'm not even gonna give an introductory sentence. Let's get to it.

So obviously the biggest part of last night's LOST extravaganza was Jacob. But before I get into actual show-related talk, I'd just like to say that I spent the entire two hours of the finale thinking Jacob was Takezo Kensei from Heroes. (Turns out he's not.) Anyway, Jacob spins yarn inside a giant statue and summons a slave ship (which I presume to be the Black Rock) to the island in the 1800's. The dude hanging out with him on the beach tells Jacob he wants to kill him and that someday he'll find a loophole and do it. Flashforward to 2007 when John Locke (or someone who looks like him) wants Ben to kill Jacob. Jacob tells not-Locke that he's found his loophole and Ben (who gave an Emmy-worthy performance) stabs Jacob. Meanwhile, Ilana asks Ricardus what lies in the shadow of the statue, to which Richard answers (in Latin, of course), "He who will protect/save us all."

Okay, the first question that needs to be addressed is who is the dude on the beach and why does he want Jacob dead? What happened all those years ago that caused these two to become frienemies? The possibilities are endless, so I won't even begin to ponder the answer to this question.

Next, how did this dude take over Locke's body? Have there been two Lockes this whole time? Has not-Locke been responsible for some of the crazy stuff that Locke has done in the past, like shoot, stab, kill, generally act creepy? It would definitely explain Locke's strange connection to the island, why he thwarted all attempts at being rescued, why he blew up several Dharma stations. But WHY would not-Locke do all those things? What purpose would they serve in his plight against Jacob? This would definitely be an interesting plot twist--to find out that this Jacob/not-Locke war has been going on the whole time the Losties have been on the island. Imagine we find out that everything we thought Jack and Sawyer and Locke and Dharma were responsible for, it was really some greater force?

Next, what is this loophole that Jacob speaks of? Obviosly not-Locke can't kill Jacob, the same way that Locke (or not-Locke) couldn't kill his father back in Season 3. Back then, he got Sawyer to kill the dude, the same way he's getting Ben to kill Jacob. But he had no problem stabbing Naomi in the back last leason. So clearly the loophole is not-Locke getting someone else to do his murdering for him. But why? What's the significance of that? Why can't he kill?

Next, what's up with Jacob touching (literally) all of the main characters at some point in their lives? Saving Kate from her shoplifting debut, lending Sawyer a pen at his parents' funeral, creepily approaching Locke after he fell out of an 8-story window, telling Sun and Jin to cherish the time they have together, talking to Jack after surgery, and preaching to Hurley about free will... I don't get it. And where does Ilana fit in? Why was she chosen? (And was she speaking Russian? Turkish? Czech?) We knew from the very beginning that most of the people on flight 815 were connected somehow, were brought together by a force much greater than someone dying or avoiding a murder charge. That force is obviously Jacob, but why? That is still the great big mystery of the Island--what is its deal and why did it/Jacob choose these particular people to come to it?

So what lies in the shadow of the statue? The dude who will save us. And who is that? Well, it could be Jacob. It could also be not-Locke. Or dead Locke. Or Richard. Or Ben. Or Ilana. It could be Vincent the dog for all we know. There are so many things lying in the shadow of that damn statue that we really have no idea who will save us. Maybe Jack & Co. will somehow be transported to that very place and time after the blast and HE will be the one who saves us. Who knows. All I'm sure of is that it either (a) really was Jacob, and now Ben/not-Locke killed him, causing some kind of rift in the universe that has unspeakable consequences, or (b) it never was Jacob, but one of the other 19 possibilities.

Next, I'd like to talk about Juliet and her crazyface. First she's in love with Sawyer and is all happy to leave the island with him. Then Kate strolls down the ladder and she gives her the "Not this bitch again" look, after which Kate convinces her to get off the sub and save Jack? WHAT?! Why on God's green earth would she want to help Kate and go BACK to the island? Okay, so fine. She decides, for whatever reason, to go stop Jack from detonating the H-bomb. Then she sees Sawyer look at Kate all "you're the one I want to live in a hut with for the rest of my life" and decides to now HELP Jack blow them all away. Because if it works and she never met Sawyer, she wouldn't have to deal with breaking up with him. Huh? Bitch, have you lost your mind?! I don't buy this "I changed my mind" bull for one second. Something didn't sit well with me when she fell down the hole and tried hard to make the bomb explode. Something is up with her, and it's not Sawyer.

Some other things worth mentioning:

• Rose and Bernard made their triumphant return with Vincent the dog. The way they were truly disappointed to see Sawyer and company made me laugh out loud. "It's always something with you people." So true, Rose. So true.
  
• STILL no Claire. Why hasn't Claire resurfaced? Where is she? I need to know.
  
• What was up with Sun finding Charlie's DriveShaft ring? That must hold some signifance, right?
  
• Sayid got shot!! NOT COOL.
• Jack and Sawyer beat the PISS out of each other, and it was surprisingly hot. I hate fighting and bloodshed, I always turn my head when people start throwing punches on TV. But for some reason, this particular fight was kinda sexy. I was rooting for Sawyer--Jack needed to get his ass beat down like Chris Brown on Rihanna.
  
• Juliet falling into the hole was probably the most emotional scene of the entire two hours. You could tell that Sawyer genuinely has love for her, which broke my heart a little.
• What was written on that scrap of tapestry on the wall of the cabin, and why was it burned down? Who is Ilana, what's her purpose on the island?
  
• And finally, Jacob ends the scene in the foot by saying "They're coming." Who are "they"?

That's all I got. I didn't take notes, and my brain is starting to hurt from all the thinking. I guess we'll have to wait until 2010 to get the answers to all of these questions. Which means I'll have to find another show to start blogging about..... Any suggestions?