Do you know how big a bus is?

You can stop searching. The hunt is over. All those hours spent stalking YouTube? All those sleepless nights passed by watching crazed lunatics hawk cleaning accouterments? They're over. Because I have found it: the best TV commercial of all time. Here's why:

• First of all, the name alone: Jones Big Ass Truck Rental and Storage. I always liked the term "big ass" as an adjective ("that's a big-ass fish taco!" "how am I supposed to park this big-ass Escalade in Manhattan?") but I never actually saw it used as part of a legal business name. I admire your creativity, Mr. Jones. And your balls.

• Second, Mr. Jones claims the reason for his low prices is that he's drunk. Now, see, while I appreciate a good drunk discount, I don't particularly like that the man in charge of making sure my shit doesn't get messed with is openly intoxicated. What stops him from driving my big bus right off his lot and using it to transport prison inmates?

• Third, he offers to store my weed. How many times have you looked at your Ziploc bags full of the good stuff and thought to yourself, "I just don't feel comfortable storing these illegal narcotics in my home. If only there was a safe place I could keep them, if only there was a trustworthy individual with whom I could leave my drugs..." Well look no further, my friends. Not only will Mr. Jones hold your stash for the lowest price around, but he'll advertise his willingness to do so on public television. Rest assured that if your shit goes missing, his big ass storage facility is the FIRST place the police will look!