Thursday, May 27, 2010

Proposed letter to our neighbor

We're moving out this week, and we'd just like to thank you for being such a great neighbor!

Thank you for running your diesel cars at all hours of the morning and late evening! There's nothing like the sound of an engine turning over repeatedly to lull me to sleep.

Thank you for keeping your property neat and clean by mowing your lawn at 7:45am. We also enjoyed listening to your weed whacker, edger, trimmer, leaf blower and various other loud tools, as well as your yappy dogs. Especially on Sunday mornings.

Thank you for keeping the parking situation in check! We loved having someone leave notes on our cars reminding us not to park over the lines, lines that you took upon yourself to paint on the street without permission from the city. We also appreciate you knocking on our door at 8am on street sweeping days to remind us where not to park. How would we ever have remembered without you?!

Speaking of parking, thank you for parking your three oversize vehicles on the street instead of in your empty 3-car driveway. By taking precious street parking away from those of us without assigned spots, you really taught us the value of off-street parking. Growing up in New York City, it's a lesson I've always needed to learn.

Thank you for taking such an interest in our lawn! Specifically, thanks for trespassing on our property and illegally hooking up a hose to our house without telling us, causing us to freak the f*ck out when we saw water gushing down our alley and assuming a pipe had burst.We also really appreciated comments such as, "Your lawn looks like shit" and "It looks like every dog in the neighborhood has been pissing on your grass."

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. You have been without question, truly, the most douchebag neighbor we have ever encountered. Keep up the good work, Batman. Gotham isn't safe without you.

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