STILL NOT FOUND

I'm not even gonna give an introductory sentence. Let's get to it.

So obviously the biggest part of last night's LOST extravaganza was Jacob. But before I get into actual show-related talk, I'd just like to say that I spent the entire two hours of the finale thinking Jacob was Takezo Kensei from Heroes. (Turns out he's not.) Anyway, Jacob spins yarn inside a giant statue and summons a slave ship (which I presume to be the Black Rock) to the island in the 1800's. The dude hanging out with him on the beach tells Jacob he wants to kill him and that someday he'll find a loophole and do it. Flashforward to 2007 when John Locke (or someone who looks like him) wants Ben to kill Jacob. Jacob tells not-Locke that he's found his loophole and Ben (who gave an Emmy-worthy performance) stabs Jacob. Meanwhile, Ilana asks Ricardus what lies in the shadow of the statue, to which Richard answers (in Latin, of course), "He who will protect/save us all."

Okay, the first question that needs to be addressed is who is the dude on the beach and why does he want Jacob dead? What happened all those years ago that caused these two to become frienemies? The possibilities are endless, so I won't even begin to ponder the answer to this question.

Next, how did this dude take over Locke's body? Have there been two Lockes this whole time? Has not-Locke been responsible for some of the crazy stuff that Locke has done in the past, like shoot, stab, kill, generally act creepy? It would definitely explain Locke's strange connection to the island, why he thwarted all attempts at being rescued, why he blew up several Dharma stations. But WHY would not-Locke do all those things? What purpose would they serve in his plight against Jacob? This would definitely be an interesting plot twist--to find out that this Jacob/not-Locke war has been going on the whole time the Losties have been on the island. Imagine we find out that everything we thought Jack and Sawyer and Locke and Dharma were responsible for, it was really some greater force?

Next, what is this loophole that Jacob speaks of? Obviosly not-Locke can't kill Jacob, the same way that Locke (or not-Locke) couldn't kill his father back in Season 3. Back then, he got Sawyer to kill the dude, the same way he's getting Ben to kill Jacob. But he had no problem stabbing Naomi in the back last leason. So clearly the loophole is not-Locke getting someone else to do his murdering for him. But why? What's the significance of that? Why can't he kill?

Next, what's up with Jacob touching (literally) all of the main characters at some point in their lives? Saving Kate from her shoplifting debut, lending Sawyer a pen at his parents' funeral, creepily approaching Locke after he fell out of an 8-story window, telling Sun and Jin to cherish the time they have together, talking to Jack after surgery, and preaching to Hurley about free will... I don't get it. And where does Ilana fit in? Why was she chosen? (And was she speaking Russian? Turkish? Czech?) We knew from the very beginning that most of the people on flight 815 were connected somehow, were brought together by a force much greater than someone dying or avoiding a murder charge. That force is obviously Jacob, but why? That is still the great big mystery of the Island--what is its deal and why did it/Jacob choose these particular people to come to it?

So what lies in the shadow of the statue? The dude who will save us. And who is that? Well, it could be Jacob. It could also be not-Locke. Or dead Locke. Or Richard. Or Ben. Or Ilana. It could be Vincent the dog for all we know. There are so many things lying in the shadow of that damn statue that we really have no idea who will save us. Maybe Jack & Co. will somehow be transported to that very place and time after the blast and HE will be the one who saves us. Who knows. All I'm sure of is that it either (a) really was Jacob, and now Ben/not-Locke killed him, causing some kind of rift in the universe that has unspeakable consequences, or (b) it never was Jacob, but one of the other 19 possibilities.

Next, I'd like to talk about Juliet and her crazyface. First she's in love with Sawyer and is all happy to leave the island with him. Then Kate strolls down the ladder and she gives her the "Not this bitch again" look, after which Kate convinces her to get off the sub and save Jack? WHAT?! Why on God's green earth would she want to help Kate and go BACK to the island? Okay, so fine. She decides, for whatever reason, to go stop Jack from detonating the H-bomb. Then she sees Sawyer look at Kate all "you're the one I want to live in a hut with for the rest of my life" and decides to now HELP Jack blow them all away. Because if it works and she never met Sawyer, she wouldn't have to deal with breaking up with him. Huh? Bitch, have you lost your mind?! I don't buy this "I changed my mind" bull for one second. Something didn't sit well with me when she fell down the hole and tried hard to make the bomb explode. Something is up with her, and it's not Sawyer.

Some other things worth mentioning:

• Rose and Bernard made their triumphant return with Vincent the dog. The way they were truly disappointed to see Sawyer and company made me laugh out loud. "It's always something with you people." So true, Rose. So true.
  
• STILL no Claire. Why hasn't Claire resurfaced? Where is she? I need to know.
  
• What was up with Sun finding Charlie's DriveShaft ring? That must hold some signifance, right?
  
• Sayid got shot!! NOT COOL.
• Jack and Sawyer beat the PISS out of each other, and it was surprisingly hot. I hate fighting and bloodshed, I always turn my head when people start throwing punches on TV. But for some reason, this particular fight was kinda sexy. I was rooting for Sawyer--Jack needed to get his ass beat down like Chris Brown on Rihanna.
  
• Juliet falling into the hole was probably the most emotional scene of the entire two hours. You could tell that Sawyer genuinely has love for her, which broke my heart a little.
• What was written on that scrap of tapestry on the wall of the cabin, and why was it burned down? Who is Ilana, what's her purpose on the island?
  
• And finally, Jacob ends the scene in the foot by saying "They're coming." Who are "they"?

That's all I got. I didn't take notes, and my brain is starting to hurt from all the thinking. I guess we'll have to wait until 2010 to get the answers to all of these questions. Which means I'll have to find another show to start blogging about..... Any suggestions?

Two things

First, I love Keith Olbermann more than words can say. For the first time since Prince William, I am considering stalking a public figure in hopes of getting them to fall madly in love with me and have 10,000 of my liberal babies.



Second, I am now officially published. That article I was working on for a travel website is up, and my mother couldn't be prouder. (More proud?) Ch-ch-check it out: The Savvy Explorer dot com.

LOST post coming later today.

Something else I need less of: Kanye's ego

I used to think Kanye was the most arrogant bastard to ever spit a rhyme. Every other word out of his mouth is about how great and amazing he is, how he's the voice of our generation. The first (and only) time dude was ever on Oprah he basically told Queen O that his shit don't stink. I've only seen Oprah give a handful of people the side-eye, and after 10 minutes in her chair, Kanye officially became one of them. Kanye loves himself so much that he said his greatest tragedy is that he will never be able to see himself perform live. THAT, my friends, is conceit in its purest form. If Kanye's love for himself came in crystal meth, it would be the kind Whitney and Bobby smoke before beating the hell out of each other for the cameras. Seriously, even Donald Trump doesn't love himself as Kanye does (as evidenced by that dead animal he wears atop his head, but I digress.)

Despite Kanye's bromance with his own greatness, I have to respect his gangster. In the music industry, you have to respect and believe in yourself if you want anyone else to take you seriously. Whatever your definition of the word "mogul," Kanye's doing it right. He's a phenomenal performer, a talented producer, a savvy businessman, and most recently an up-and-come fashionisto. And for all the love Kanye has for Kanye, I don't think he's obnoxious about it. He doesn't go around expecting people to give him free stuff or get out of assault charges just because he's Kanye; he expects people to buy tickets to his concerts and play six of his songs on the radio because he's Kanye. Yes he thinks he's the next Michael Jackson, but his next song won't be about how he sold more records than Michael. Kanye gives respect where respect is due, which in turn makes me respect him.

I also like Kanye because despite his celebrity, he keeps it real. He has a blog, but he doesn't just use it to update the world on how amazing he is (he uses his songs for that.) He mostly uses his blog to clear up rumors or call people out on their shit, and most of the time, I completely agree with him. I don't read his blog, but I do catch snippets of it on other websites every so often. Kanye recently blogged about a fictitious Twitter account created in his name, and I have to admit, it was very entertaining. I had to sit quietly with my eyes closed afterward to recover from his caps lock affinity, but it was worth it:

(This spaz comes courtesy of losers making fake Kanye West Twitter accounts) I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER... WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I'M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I'M NOT AND I'M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN'T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF. THE PEOPLE AT TWITTER KNOW I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER SO FOR THEM TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO POSE AS ME AND ACCUMULATE OVER A MILLION NAMES IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND DECEITFUL TO THERE FAITHFUL USERS. REPEAT... THE HEADS OF TWITTER KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE A TWITTER AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ACCOUNTS HAVE HIGH ACTIVITY ON THEM. IT'S A FUCKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE. HEY TWITTER, TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW .... WHY? ... BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!

GASP!! Kanye doesn't have a Twitter account. ::Stunned silence:: You mean he doesn't want to let the world know what he's up to every second of every day? But how will people know how great and amazing he is if he doesn't constantly remind them?! How will people know what he just ate for lunch and what sneakers he bought so they can go out and eat at the same thing and buy the same sneakers and be JUST LIKE KANYE?!

That's easy: Kanye doesn't need Twitter to let the world know how awesome he is; he does that just by being Kanye. (Also, I still think Twitter is stupid. If the Greatest Voice of Our Generation doesn't need to twat (typo, but it stays) about his whereabouts and bowel movements, then I think the rest of us are just fine without it.)

And by the way, I now know why Kanye wears those gay-ass sunglasses that look like window blinds: because he can't read his own writing without some sort of protective eyewear. That, or he needs them to stop himself from jumping the mirror every time he gets a glimpse of how AMAZING he is.

How to annoy me

Stand outside my bedroom window calling my name at 6:05 IN THE MORNING. I understand you forgot your keys, but damn! I had to be up at 6:45 so you know I didn't fall back asleep.

Happy Mother's Day!!

Justin Timberlake should quit his day job and work for SNL full-time.

Cannot wait to see this movie!

I realize the video below obscures half of my page, but I don't care--it's worth it. From the director of Old School, which just happens to be one of my all-time favorite movies, I present to you.....

THE HANGOVER

Some irrational fears

You have some pretty strange ones too, right? I know I'm not the only one. Here goes:

• My fourth grade teacher once said that you should never sleep with your ankles crossed because you could lose circulation in your feet, which could lead to amputation. Seventeen years later, I never keep my ankles crossed for too long.
  
• I am deathly afraid of raw chicken. Whenever I cook with it, I wash every single utensil and cooking accoutrement the second I'm done using it, and the dishrags go right into the laundry.
  
• I never turn the fan on high because I'm afraid it'll spin too fast and fly off the ceiling.
  
• I let towels dry before putting them in the hamper because I'm afraid they'll get moldy if they sit in there too long.
• I try not to wear pointy-toed shoes two nights in a row because I'm afraid my toes will turn inward.
  
• I obsessively check things cooking in the oven to make sure they don't burn.
  
• I have never, not once, ever in my life done any drug other than the mary jane. I am so paranoid that I'll overdose and die that trying anything new just doesn't interest me.
  
• I avoid revolving doors as much as possible because I'm afraid of getting stuck in one.
  

And that about covers it... the ones I'm willing to admit, anyway. What about you? What are your weird/irrational/interesting fears?

A day late and a theory short

Okay. So. LOST. It was a total mind-f*ck. That's all I have to say about it. Happy Friday, y'all!!

I kid, I kid. It really was a total mind-f*ck, but I would never just leave it at that. Let's delve into the Other parts of our brain and get confused, shall we?

First of all, Jack is starting to creep me out a little bit. All season he's been so passive about everything, so "It's not up to me, what happens/ed happens/ed." And then all of a sudden this week he has a plan to get the Losties back to 2007 Los Angeles--by detonating a hydrogen bomb. I'm not a bomb expert or anything, but wouldn't that kill them and blow up the entire island before it saved them? UNLESS!! Wait for it.... unless that's exactly what Jack wants. What if that's his plan, to kill himself in an attempt to obliterate the island? Sure he says that the whole wacky time travel thing will save them and that the second the island disappears, they'll magically be transported back to their Santa Monica apartments and houses on the hills. But what if he's come to end of his rope and blowing up the island is just a convenient way to kill himself while saving everyone else? Kate was right when she said that he's turning into Locke. (More on Jack in a minute.)

Speaking of Locke.... I can't even begin to understand the time implications of that whole compass scene. As I understand it, Locke gave Richard a compass in 1954 so that Richard could give Locke that same compass in 2004(7?) when Locke was shot. Where did Locke get the compass to give to Richard in 1954? From Richard in 2004(7?), of course. What the what? HOW?! Where did the compass come from? Who had it first? I smell deserpately need a timeflash to explain how the compass came into existance. As for there being two Lockes in the same time.... I mean, we've seen that the same person at different ages can be in the same "time" at once (Ben, Miles, etc.) but never like this. This scene was just creepy.

Which brings me to Richard. Never-aging, ever-present Richard. "He's kind of an advisor," Ben explains to Sun, "and he's had that job for a very, very long time." A-duh. Every era we glimpse, Richard is there. Always with a group of people he's creepily leading, and always with a knowing smirk on his face. So he's a creation of the island, no? Something that watches over the precious land throughout time, ensuring that there is always conflict between this group called The Others/Hostiles and whomever else happens to be on the island (military intelligence in the 50's, the Dharma Initiative in the '70's, Rousseau in the '80's, survivors of Oceanic 815 in 2004, etc.) But where did he come from? How does he never age? Why is he the only constant thing on the island throughout time? And why is he not really in charge? The power structure seems to be Jacob --> Charles Widmore/Eloise Hawking/Ben/Locke/anyone else but Richard--> Richard. If he's the only one that never dies, wouldn't it make more sense to keep him in charge? What's up with that?

Regarding other people with shit-eating grins, does anyone else want to smack that smirk off Juliet's face? I wrote in my notes last night (yes I take notes while I watch LOST, specifically so you can have well-informed LOST posts, so shut it) the following sentence: "I want to bitch-slap Juliet across her smarmy face so bad." It's like nothing phases that woman. My sister is barren? Sad face. My douchey ex-husband died? Happy face. Jack wants me? Horny face. Sawyer wants Kate? Death face. But all of those faces look the same!! I swear she smirked after Phil punched her in the face. (And so did I.) I also had to smile when Kate came waltzing down the hatch of the submarine. Juliet and Sawyer thought they were gonna live happily ever after on Microsoft stock (always scheming, Sawyer, always scheming) and BAM! Just like that, Freckles makes her return. Womp womp.

So. Where does all this leave us?

• Jack, Richard, Ellie (who is clearly pergnant with Daniel) and Sayid (!) want to blow up the H-bomb to save the island (?).
  
• Kate said "hell no" to that idea and was subsequently caught and put on the sub with Sawyer and Juliet. (By the way, did anyone else think Sawyer would jump off the top of the sub and into the water after seeing Juliet into it?) I however doubt that this sub is going to Ann Arbor; something tells me these three will be dropped off in some extra-special location before the sub returns to the mainland.... perhaps on a smaller, nearby island that has the unmistakable smell of polar bear feces?
  
• Hurley, Miles and Jin are out in the jungle with guns and food, which leads me to believe they will encounter Jack and try to stop his hair-brained idea. And/or encounter Sawyer and his heirum and try to save them. And/or encounter the Hostiles/Others and try to defeat them. And/or ad infinitum.
  
• Locke, who thinks he's in charge of the Others but really isn't, wants to find Jacob. We always thought Locke had some special bond with the island, that he was some sort of Richard-like being that belonged on the island, but now we find out that's not true. Either Locke changed his tune, or he was fooling us bigtime, but now he wants to find Jacob not to bow down to him, but to kill him. I like this plan a lot better.
  
• Surprise surprise, Ben is not on Locke's side. Why would he be? Do I smell an uprising? Some sneaky stuff on Ben's behalf? A double-cross by Richard who is all of a sudden on Locke's side? Or at least pretends to be? The possibilities are endless.
  

One final theory that I hadn't thought of before and admittedly got from another website, but that totally makes sense: Jack is Jacob. I mean, it sorta makes sense: Claire is his Jack's sister, and she seems to have some special bond with Jacob. Christian is his dad, and what has he been up to lately? Jacob spoke to Locke, and only to Locke, and said "Help me." What if that help means, "Kill me. Kill the island and end my misery. I've been stuck here forever and ever and I want out. FML." Although if this theory is true and I just stumbled upon the surprise ending of the entire show, I will be VERY upset.

On why there was no LOST post today

Last night I went to Shea Stadium Citi Field for a Met game.


It was my first time in the new stadium and it was pretty awesome.


I'm slightly obsessed with Jose Reyes.


I'm a Queens girl through and through, what can I say?


Your weekly LOST post will be coming first thing tomorrow morning. Swearsies.

Do you know what today is?

No Liz, it's not our anniversary*.

It's LOST Day!! Yay!!**

*Inside Boston University joke.

**I realize how obsessed I am with this show and I'm totally okay with that.

Ridiculously hot video of Megan Fox

Look. I'm a straight girl through and through. Men are hands down my thing, and I definitely could not deal with another woman as my life partner.

But.

There are certain types of hot that transcend sexuality and gender preference. And one of those is Megan Fox.

I admit it, I have a crush on her. A huge one. She is ridiculously hot and I definitely watched this video she did for Esquire magazine. Three times.

You're welcome.

Matt Saracen on the big screen.... Yes, please!!

Remember how you felt after college when you moved back home and had no job, no plan, and no future? How you wrote 30 cover letters a day, got shut down at every interview, and eventually took a job that paid $10 an hour just so you would stop sleeping til noon and raiding your parents' fridge? Yeah. That's what this movie is about.

It's called Post Grad and it stars Alexis Bledel (Rory from "Gilmore Girls") and Zach Gilford (QB1 from "Friday Night Lights.") It looks cute, and I think a lot of people will relate to the plot.... if they're 23 and just graduating from college. At almost 27 with a law degree.... Let's just say that I'm keeping my options open.

How to annoy me, Queens edition

Step 1*: Let your child scream "Mommy!" in such a desperate, pitiful way and for such a long time, that I think a kid is being attacked in my yard and finally call the police.

Step 2: Let your million-decibel house alarm go off SIX TIMES at 1 o'clock in the morning.

Step 3: Light plastic or other man-made materials on fire, causing a vomit-inducing smell that permeates every room of every house on the block. Thanks for the lung damage!

*Please note that any one of these steps will sufficiently annoy me and all three need not be completed unless attempting to induce maximum and homicidal annoyance.

Shameless!

While I do enjoy talking about myself (and LOST), I will not hesitate to use this website to promote the interests of my friends. I've linked to Liz and Red over at Gingers Is the Watchword on more than one occasion, as I have with Z-man over at Death of the Courtesy Wave. [Side note: Why do my friends' blogs have such long names?] To prove to you that I have friends who are known for things other than blogging, it's someone else's turn to be shouted out on my website... a someone who just happens to be a filmmaker, and who just happens to have made a film recently.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you Mr. Todd M. Jones.


Todd and I went to law school together, and humorously enough, ran against each other for President of the Student Bar Association. He was clearly the better candidate (because he won) and way more qualified to be President of the student government at a Jewish law school (because I have no patience and often make off-color Jewish jokes. [See: "Jewish jokes" tag]). Despite being the better man for the job, Todd remained courteous and kind and even asked me to be part of his cabinet as a representative. Todd, in other words, is good people. Which is why I'm plastering his likeness on my website without his permission. (Hi, Todd!)

Mr. Jones and his crew have just completed their latest feature-length film. It's called Throws of Passion and it looks hilarious. Here's what Todd himself has to say about the movie:

Its a "mockumentary," which means if you enjoy THE OFFICE, or RENO 911! or THIS IS SPINAL TAP, then you would dig the style in which this movie is made. It's about a failed cable TV station and the last program it worked on - a Rock, Paper, Scissors tournament.

I watched the trailer three times today and can't wait to see the movie. Check out the trailer for Throws of Passion!!



To Todd, his crew, and everyone in the film (some of whom I recognize), congratulations and much luck! You deserve it!!

Throws of Passion trailer

Daniel, I'm sorry your mother is such a creepy bitch

Eloise Hawking, you are.... I'm not sure what you are, but I'll tell you what you're NOT: a good mother. First you have sex with Charles Widmore (okay, I'll give you that one--he's a rich man, you'd be set for life), then you have a baby with him, then you raise your son to do his daddy's dirty work knowing full well the fate that awaits him, and then you kill him! Wtf, lady? You are definitely not up for the mother of the year award.

Aside from confirming my creepy bitch theory, we found out a lot in last night's episode of LOST.

1. Eloise was an Other/Hostile on the island. Why didn't this ever cross my mind? I remember someone named Ellie being on the island in the 1950's during the Jughead debacle, but why didn't I put two and two together? I'm very mad at myself for not figuring this out earlier.
2. Charles Widmore finally admitted to being behind the fake Oceanic 815 crash. We all knew he was responsible (at least I assume that was a given?) but now it's confirmed. I still want to know how the Oceanic 6 were explained if all [dead] passengers were accounted for on the fake flight.
   
3. Widmore is Daniel's father. I imagine finding that out is a little like finding out Darth Vader is your dad, but also that Hitler is your uncle.
   
4. It seems that Eloise is somewhat of a clairvoyant. (CLAIRE, WHERE ARE YOU?!) She seems to be able to see into the future, as evidenced by her comment "For the first time in a long time, I don't know what will happen," and the fact that Daniel accused her of knowing what would happen if he came back to the island and sending him anyway. And there's that whole underground Looking Glass station in Los Angeles.... C-R-E-E-P-Y.
5. As a completely random aside, do you think Claire's name has anything to do with the clairvoyance thing? Are Christian Shepard and the island training her to be the next Eloise? Is that why she's been missing all this time?
   

I don't know about you, but hearing Daniel explain how the energy from the hatch/Orchid/Swan set off the chain of events that led up to the 815 crash really helped me understand it better. Observe:

• Some sort of accident occurs at the Orchid
• This leads to the hatch being built around it to keep the energy at bay
• A button is pushed every 108 minutes so that... I don't know what pushing the button does exactly, contain the energy? Release small amounts of it so the world doesn't explode? Who knows.
• Desmond (who, if I remember correctly, found the island by chance on a sail around the world) somehow joins Dharma and winds up being the only person left to push the button.
  
• Desmond fails to push the button
  
• Oceanic 815 crashes
• The Galaga freighter is sent, carrying Charlotte, Miles, Naomi, Lapedus, and Daniel

Daniel has hypothesized that despite not being able to change the past, he can prevent all of those things from happening by using the buried Jughead bomb to destroy the energy being emitted from the Orchid. How this will work is beyond my time-space continuum understanding, but supposedly humans are the variables in changing the past and it can somehow happen. My question is, what good is it preventing the plane from crashing if they're all still stuck in 1977? Or will the island let them time travel back to the future? (HA!) Also, why is the energy emitted from the Orchid so damn powerful? What kind of energy is it? How is it created? Tell me, Island. TELL ME!!

Other random observations:

• Did anyone else raise their eyebrows when Kate, Jack and Daniel started shooting at the Dharma dudes? I did NOT seeing that coming.
• I laughed out loud when Sawyer said to Daniel, "Welcome to the meeting, Twitchy." And when he called him H.G. Wells.
  
• When Sawyer said to Jack, "I belonged just fine here until you showed up, Doc," my mind immediately yelled, "FIGHT!" I definitely see a showdown coming between Jack and Sawyer in the near future. It's been a loooong time coming.
  
• I almost shed a tear when Daniel saw young Charlotte on the swing and told her to leave the island. I see a reunion of sorts happening between them (obviously when Charlotte is not 6 and if Daniel isn't dead) if and when the energy from the Orchid is contained. Ah, so many variables!
• Jack: You need a gun to talk to your mother? Daniel: You don't know my mother." Hilarious!
• I smiled when Penny said to Desmond in the hospital, "I thought I lost you." The power of the pun.
  
• I wanted to punch Eloise in the face when Daniel looked up at her after she shot him and said, "You knew. You always knew this was going to happen. And you sent me here anyway."

One last random prediction: Juliet is or will become pregnant. That whole having babies on the island thing will definitely pop up again. I just have a feeling. Also, where is Danielle Rousseau? We share a name, I had to ask.

One where I've been and what I've been up to

I realize that I haven't posted anything significant in a few days, and I apologize. But I assure you that there's a good reason for it. Actually, several.

First of all, I've been working on an article I'm writing for an online travel website. It's due on Friday and I will be sure to post a link to the site once it's online. I've never gone through the editing process professionally before, but I'm told it'll take about two weeks to get published. I'll be sure to keep you posted!

Second of all, I've been preoccupied with a little something called "looking for a job that pays well." While I love my punks (and would actually like to volunteer my time when I find a better-paying job), student loans need to be repaid and my summer wardrobe needs to be updated. I'm also in desperate need of a haircut and other basic necessities, and the teaching just isn't cutting it.

Lastly, there are various other people/things/puppies in my life that need socializing/doing/walking. My 13-year-old goddaughter just got her braces taken off the other day, so I went with her and her mom for the special occasion. (She looks so grown up!!) My cousin needed help with a Powerpoint project, and of course there's the ongoing matter of the home renovation. Ah life. I wonder... will it take me under?

My constant reference to early '90's rap songs notwithstanding, I thank you for your continued patronage and witty comments. And if you've never commented on this site before, then I must ask: what are you waiting for?! I love hearing from strangers! I've gotten comments from all over the U.S., Brazil, Europe, and even Australia. I'd like your two cents, so please... feel free to leave it! (And if you have actual money you'd be willing to leave, I can provide my mailing address.)

Good health and Happy LOST Day to all!

There is nothing hot about Russell Brand. And yet....

Strange celebrity crushes. We all have them. There's at least one famous person out there whom you think is hot/cute/so ridiculously good-looking that you would shag them upon sight--but who would also cause you endless hours of ridicule if anyone ever found out about your obsession. Okay, so hopefully you're not jonesin' on Richard Simmons. But maybe you have a little thing for Rod Blagojevich? Oprah? Brian Austin Green?

There are a few people in my closet of celebrities I have a thing for, and I'm not ashamed to reveal them. (Well, most of them.) Here goes:

Jesse James. The tattoos, the muscles, that shit-eating smirk....swoon. I guess every girl likes a bad boy.

Mike Rowe. I've mentioned my obession with Mr. Mike Rowe several times on this website. It's no secret. But it IS a litlte strange. First of all, he's pushing 50. Second of all, he crawls into slimy claustrophobia-inducing spaces for a living. But there's something about his self-deprecating, witty humor that really does it for me.

Seth Rogan. I've always said that what I look for in a man goes something like this: first, you have to make laugh. If you can, then show me that you're smart, that what you're joking about is witty and intelligent. Then come the looks--not super important, but you have to be attractive. Seth Rogan is the perfect embodiment of that template: he's one of the funniest people on the planet, he's clearly brainy, and since he's been getting healthy, he's not that bad on the eyes.

Keith Olbermann. I want to marry this man and have 10,000 of his liberal babies.



Who's your weird celebrity crush? And are you brave enough to admit it to the Internet?

On having kids you can't fool

Scene: Four girls in their mid-twenties are talking about an upcoming bachelorette trip and the debauchery that will likely take place while away. One of the girls makes an off-color remark about the degree to which she will party on said trip, but quickly tries to correct herself as she realizes a nine-year-old boy is the room. Nine-year-old boy makes the following knowing remark:

"Nuh-uh, that's not what you said! There's no such thing as a corn star!"

It might be a little too early in the morning for giant penises....

...but I make exceptions for giant, lethal penises. I guarantee you will not find anything better on the internet today than this video. Go on. I DARE YOU.

I'm sort of a light green, maybe sage

LOST was one of those "let's connect the dots" episodes, so there will sadly be no talk of Dharma or the Island today. Instead, I've decided to celebrate Earth Day a little late.

My mom is all about being green. She only buys free range chicken, she grows her own vegetables, buys all organic products, and she's trying to incorporate as many green elements into her new kitchen as possible. While I've followed suit and do my part to help out, there are just certain things I can't bring myself to do. Not because I'm lazy (ok, sometimes because I'm lazy) but mostly because I don't think that that little tiny act will make a difference. Like recycling a gum wrapper. Do people really do that? I use my gum wrapper to wrap the chewed gum before throwing it away. Because who wants wads of gum stuck to their garbage can? I thought I was being polite, but I'm apparently not recycling something that's totally recyclable. Who knew.

Here's a list of things we here at DSB try to do to help reduce our carbon footprint:

• We buy Green Works cleaning products. All natural, no chemicals.
  
• We have a compost pile. Every natural, organic from-the-earth piece of food we throw away goes into this pile: banana peels, eggshells, apple cores, peach pits, coffee grinds, onion peels, you name it. My mom then puts the decomposed soil into the following item on the list...
  
• We have a vegetable garden. Every year my mom plants tomatoes, string beans, lettuce, herbs, zucchini, eggplants, and various other vegetables. Let's just say we eat a lot of salad and sauce during the summer.
  
• We're putting LED lights in the new kitchen. I'm too lazy (see?) to look up statistics, but I heard they use something like 10% of the energy of a regular light bulb.
  
• I ALWAYS turn off lights before I leave a room. My grandmother calls me the electricity Nazi. I tell her that's inappropriate, then yell at her in German to turn off the space heater.
  
• We have reusable bags for grocery shopping. And I never take a plastic bag for an item I can carry out or put in my purse. Which is probably how I ended up with that mushed package of HoHo's at the bottom of my bag....
  
• I try to bring utensils from home when packing a lunch.
• I reuse water bottles like nobody's business.
  
• We have a Britta.
• We've started instituting a "yellow is mellow" rule. At least I have. And if you don't know what that is, I feel sort of uncomfortable explaining it in such a public forum. Thank god for Urban Dictionary.
  

And here's a list of things for which I'm probably going to Green hell:

• I don't differentiate between bottle caps and bottles, colored glass and regular glass, colored paper and white. It all goes into the appropriate recycling bin and gets hauled to the curb twice a week. What happens to it after that is simply not up to me.
  
• I throw recyclable stuff away if I feel it's too dirty to recycle. Like aluminum foil stuck to something cheesy or plastic wrap after it's been in the microwave. Can you recycle that? Or would they just throw it in the "regular garbage" at the recycling plant?
  
• Sometimes I turn the A/C on in the summer just to drown out the street noise.
• If and when I do have children, it's disposable diapers all the way. I don't want to even begin to think about how to wash a cloth diaper.
• I turn on every light in the kitchen when I cook. I also salsa dance when I cook, but that's neither here nor there.
  
• Sometimes when I'm hanging out in that room next to the kitchen that's about 20 degrees cooler than the rest of the house, I turn the oven on to keep it warm. But hush on that one, Mom thinks I was heating up pizza and forgot to turn it off.
• I often use multiple paper towels when a sponge or dishcloth would suffice. And that has nothing to do with being lazy and everything to do with wanting things clean and not spreading a germ-infested sponge around.
  
• I would never, ever give up my car. Not even if I lived in Brooklyn down the block from a subway station. Not even if I lived in Manhattan. (Mostly because if I could ever afford to live in Manhattan, I could probably afford the extra $500 a month for a place to store it.) I don't care what anyone says, I NEED my car. Not every friend and family member I have lives within easy access of public transportation. And I travel to Long Island. A lot. In fact, every job I've ever had (in NY) was on Long Island. And what about groceries? And Ikea furniture? How would I get that stuff home if I didn't have a car? I won't have to worry about that though, because I will ALWAYS have a car. Preferably a hybrid, but a car nonetheless!
  

What about you? What dirty little secrets do you have when it comes to not being green? Do you throw away soda bottles? Do you drive a Hummer? Do you stage fake parties with loud music and Christmas lights so burglars don't know you're home alone?